Crying out for Papa
I tried to convince my daughter to skip school and play hooky with me yesterday. But she did the very rational thing and said, "Mom, I have to be responsible and go to school."
I remember those days. My Dad used to say he'd give me $50 if I got a detention. But I was too accountable. I refused to play hooky as well. I was busy being a good girl.
I can laugh at this now. But it used to be a chain around my neck.
I was obsessed with striving, pleasing, perfection, idealism, and approval.
This week I could see those desires manifesting themselves again. I was jealous.
Jealous that my husband took my daughter on a date. A date that I told him to go on. He took my daughter to the Chrysler Art Museum for her birthday... one of our favorite haunts. It wasn't that I wasn't on a date with him... It was seeing the love of a Dad with his daughter... that produced such heartbreak in me. Such deep longing.
I realized how much I still crave the approval of my parents. So hungry for their acceptance. Still struggling with feeling "not enough" or "unworthy."
So I go back to the source, the ultimate source.
I go to God my Father and say, "I need approval. I need to know your love for me is unconditional. I need to be perfectly parented by you."
And as I wait, my emotional hunger gnaws at me, and I wrestle with my thoughts.
Is God truly enough to satisfy me? He is.
Is He capable of understanding my wounded heart? He is.
Does He see how hard I've been trying? He does.
Does He love me in spite of my failures? He does.
And I ask Him to satisfy me. To bring me into right perspective and right relationship with Him.
He is my Heavenly Father.
My kids call Mike, their Dad, "Papa."
And my Heavenly Father is my Papa.
He knows every tear I've cried and has put them in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They are precious to Him. He knew me when I was being formed in my mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13-16) He planned my life before the beginning of time. (Proverbs 8:22-23) He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His plans for me are good. (Jeremiah 29:11) As a mother won't forget the child at her breast and will have compassion on the child she has birthed... Even if she forgets- he won't forget me. (Isaiah 49:15)
My heart is longing for God. (Psalms 84:2) And He longs to satisfy me. (Psalm 91:16)
So this is part of the feeling the feelings I'm experiencing. Not eating my feelings has allowed things to surface I had no idea was there. I'm working through them.
I long for restoration of my broken relationships here on earth but am grateful that God is allowing me to get to the root and see what I really long for is something only He can satisfy. So I look to Him for healing. And I don't seek the approval of man that is fleeting. I long for Him. And I pray that as I process this I can give up my need for approval so that whether I have it or not is of no consequence- I can enjoy who I was made to be.
I remember those days. My Dad used to say he'd give me $50 if I got a detention. But I was too accountable. I refused to play hooky as well. I was busy being a good girl.I can laugh at this now. But it used to be a chain around my neck.
I was obsessed with striving, pleasing, perfection, idealism, and approval.
This week I could see those desires manifesting themselves again. I was jealous.
Jealous that my husband took my daughter on a date. A date that I told him to go on. He took my daughter to the Chrysler Art Museum for her birthday... one of our favorite haunts. It wasn't that I wasn't on a date with him... It was seeing the love of a Dad with his daughter... that produced such heartbreak in me. Such deep longing.
I realized how much I still crave the approval of my parents. So hungry for their acceptance. Still struggling with feeling "not enough" or "unworthy."
So I go back to the source, the ultimate source.
I go to God my Father and say, "I need approval. I need to know your love for me is unconditional. I need to be perfectly parented by you."
And as I wait, my emotional hunger gnaws at me, and I wrestle with my thoughts.
Is God truly enough to satisfy me? He is.
Is He capable of understanding my wounded heart? He is.
Does He see how hard I've been trying? He does.
Does He love me in spite of my failures? He does.
And I ask Him to satisfy me. To bring me into right perspective and right relationship with Him.
He is my Heavenly Father.
My kids call Mike, their Dad, "Papa."
And my Heavenly Father is my Papa.
He knows every tear I've cried and has put them in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They are precious to Him. He knew me when I was being formed in my mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13-16) He planned my life before the beginning of time. (Proverbs 8:22-23) He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His plans for me are good. (Jeremiah 29:11) As a mother won't forget the child at her breast and will have compassion on the child she has birthed... Even if she forgets- he won't forget me. (Isaiah 49:15)
My heart is longing for God. (Psalms 84:2) And He longs to satisfy me. (Psalm 91:16)
So this is part of the feeling the feelings I'm experiencing. Not eating my feelings has allowed things to surface I had no idea was there. I'm working through them.
I long for restoration of my broken relationships here on earth but am grateful that God is allowing me to get to the root and see what I really long for is something only He can satisfy. So I look to Him for healing. And I don't seek the approval of man that is fleeting. I long for Him. And I pray that as I process this I can give up my need for approval so that whether I have it or not is of no consequence- I can enjoy who I was made to be.
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