Tough questions and a trip to the ER

I was awoken just shortly after 5 this morning. We got a call and thought something was wrong. Thankfully nothing was up but the phone had been pressed early in the a.m. and we were the recipients. All is well.

But Libby had been slapping and kicking me for most of the night and Samuel was begging for a "bar" to eat.

So I find myself up, unable to go back to sleep. The mist is rising over the pond and dew is still on the ground.

I thought I'd have time in the quietness of this morning to write...but just as I sit down at my computer I am interrupted by a little, "Hello, Mama." Samuel has come to join me at the table and is working on a puzzle.

I came down bleary eyed and practically stumbling. I open the fridge... I don't even know why and glance at a bowl of freshly picked tomatoes from the garden. I close it. I stroke the leaves on my lamb's ear plant which always comforts me.

Currently I am being serenaded by my four-year olds rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." He's observant to ask if the sun's coming out. It already is out though. It's been out for a while in fact. I had no idea the sun was already "out" this early.

All last week I had this headache that would not go away. Sometimes it was just annoying and other times it was migraine strength. After talking with the doctors office they told me I can take Excedrin Migraine. It's Tylenol based (aceteminophen) and I'm in my second trimester. Thank God. It really helps.

Two nights ago I ended up in the ER. I was having contractions and sharp abdominal pain. I discovered that I had an infection and was dehydrated. Now for those of you who know me well you know I'm a HUGE water drinker. I constantly have a water bottle with me and am perpetually drinking from it. I was surprised to find I was dehydrated. Apparently because of my pregnancy and the summer heat I'm supposed to drink 10-12, 12 oz. glasses of water every day. Holy Cow. That's well over a gallon. So now I'm kicking it up a notch. I drink until I have water belly. You know when you can feel the water sloshing inside you.

The baby is a little mover and shaker. He loves to move. This morning I felt like he decided to run a marathon... or maybe just gallop around for a while. He's already moving so hard Mike could feel him moving LAST week. Crazy, huh?

It's the first of July today. Where is the time going? It's escaping like sand between my fingers. It passes on whether I feel like it's going too slow or too fast. It has no regard for what I feel.

It took it easy yesterday. I was tempted to go to my water aerobics class but thought better of it. If my uterus was just contracting I should probably give it an activity break.

I must confess while I was laying in the hospital bed tears kept streaming down my face. I was struggling with fear. I knew if the baby came it would be too early. I knew he wouldn't make it. I once again had to consider what do I really believe about God. Do I really think He's in control? Would I still think He's loving and good if he took this baby away?

Libby asked my Mom a tough question that night when I was in the hospital. "Is Mommy going to heaven tonight?" Glad I wasn't the one to be asked that question. Whew. There's my poor Mom watching all four kids and being asked if her daughter is going to die. My Mom told her "Not tonight." Libby's response was "People do die." My mom nodded in agreement.

Yes, indeed. Do I know that well. Do we know that well. People do die. One thing I learned with the loss of my sister is that people do die. The "worst" can happen. We're not protected from suffering and loss just because we're Christians. The Sun shines on the just and unjust and all that.

So I lay in that hospital bed knowing that even though God is in control, if it was His timing, this baby was going to go. How would I respond? I'd like to say my heart was full of thanksgiving and praise and trust and that my faith was exploding in my soul. No. My response was grief. My thoughts were more like, "God I want to trust you but that would be really hard and I don't think I could handle it." and "Please Jesus don't take my baby." and "Oh shit. Am I going to lose something precious to me once again?"

I can't begin to express my relief that I was sent home with a prescription for an antibiotic and told to drink water, drink it some more, and drink again until my pee was clear. I loved those instructions. Do you know how hard that is when you take a pre-natal? Prenatals make your urine yellow. I can't remember if it's B vitamins or what it is... BUT, Okay, I got the point.

So the thoughts that linger now are... is this a preview of what is to come? Am I going to be on bedrest? If so, who will care for my children? Am I going to be hospitalized... again? The temptation for fear, worry, and honestly, dread are on the horizon. So I have to fight. Right now, I am NOT on bedrest. Tomorrow might be a different story but I need to dwell on today and how God is going to meet and provide for my needs TODAY. Let my tomorrows take care of themselves. They are in God's hands.

I interrupt these thoughts to... you guessed it, drink some water.

I think I'm going to go back to bed. Being up this early is making me uber nauseous. Maybe I can fall asleep now... before the day truly starts.