Once again I find myself trying to sleep in a hospital. Surprise, surprise.
Having intense contractions again starting at 6 last night. I also felt like I was starting to leak fluid.
Went to the hospital to get checked out. Of course they saw my intense contractions but I am only 2-3 cm dilated and 60% effaced. Thankfully they offered me the option of pain management. So now I’m in bed writing. And I’m on morphine. What relief. The pain of these contractions is so real despite their lack of productivity.
I was again in the hospital last week from Monday to Tuesday. I had a good nurse and doctor and they validated the reality of my contractions. They even tried to let me “progress” on my own. I walked, squatted, did knee lifts, etc. to try to stimulate the contractions to become productive for two hours. Nothing.
Here’s the thing they can’t “help me along” by giving me potossin etc. It needs to happen naturally… and they won’t offer me a c-section until I’m 39 weeks. So for now I’m scheduled to have a c-section on the 15th. Still hoping to go before hand… but we’ll see.
Samuel and I both have doctor appointments on Monday. I see my OB on Tuesday.
I’ve been struggling with myself lately. I keep coming to grips with the fact that I’m a created being and NOT the creator. On top of that coming to terms with my humanness and sinfulness. I am weak. I need sleep. I am not self-sufficient or independent. I need help. My body hurts. My heart aches even worse than my body. I’ve been anxious to meet this new little person. I’ve been struggling with the thoughts of “when will this ever happen?”
I’m concerned about Samuel. When will he get his feeding tube put in? He really needs it. He threw up the night before several times. We had our dear friend Alexis over and she helped him during the night. I felt so bad I didn’t even know about it. I was so exhausted I slept through it all.
A dear man passed away this week. He had been battling brain cancer for the past 16 months. I was able to attend the memorial service and was blessed by the testimony of his life. But I’m still sad. Not for him. He’s in glory with our Savior. With his son. With my sister. He’s seeing the Savior face to face. But it’s for those who are here on this side of death. Those who will live without him. I know they’re glad he’s no longer suffering… but I know it doesn’t mean their hearts don’t break.
And there’s a part of me in the back of my mind that thinks, “Dear God, please don’t let the next funeral be Samuel’s.” It’s not something I dwell on but it is something that comes up in my mind. I recognize that it’s a potential reality. I also know though that I would despair if I when down that train of thought too often.
People often tell me what a wonderful testimony we’re going to have through all of this. But what if the testimony is of Mike and I enduring our son having cancer… and then dying? What if it’s about how we have to live without him? I’m glad people believe that Samuel will be healed. I want to believe that too. Yet, I also know that God’s goodness is not based on healing Samuel. It’s not based on what I want to happen. I know God will be glorified but will it be in Samuel’s life??? Or Samuel’s death???
I’m sure these thoughts seem morbid. At five thirty in the morning, drugged up on morphine and exhausted from contractions I think I’m just being honest.
If I knew that God would heal Samuel and that things were going to be okay there would be no room for me to have to trust God. I’m believing in Him in spite of not knowing the outcome. I know God loves Samuel more than I do. I know God will receive the glory in this. But that’s where the faith part comes in. I have to cling to Jesus and trust Him with all the unknowns. I have to believe that He really knows what is best.
So enough of my tired rambling. My parents are home with the kids. My precious husband is sleeping and because of his exhaustion snoring beside me. My little Peter is moving inside me. And Jesus is encouraging me, sustaining me, and comforting me.
I’m too tired to hold on… so I know He’s holding me.
Having intense contractions again starting at 6 last night. I also felt like I was starting to leak fluid.
Went to the hospital to get checked out. Of course they saw my intense contractions but I am only 2-3 cm dilated and 60% effaced. Thankfully they offered me the option of pain management. So now I’m in bed writing. And I’m on morphine. What relief. The pain of these contractions is so real despite their lack of productivity.
I was again in the hospital last week from Monday to Tuesday. I had a good nurse and doctor and they validated the reality of my contractions. They even tried to let me “progress” on my own. I walked, squatted, did knee lifts, etc. to try to stimulate the contractions to become productive for two hours. Nothing.
Here’s the thing they can’t “help me along” by giving me potossin etc. It needs to happen naturally… and they won’t offer me a c-section until I’m 39 weeks. So for now I’m scheduled to have a c-section on the 15th. Still hoping to go before hand… but we’ll see.
Samuel and I both have doctor appointments on Monday. I see my OB on Tuesday.
I’ve been struggling with myself lately. I keep coming to grips with the fact that I’m a created being and NOT the creator. On top of that coming to terms with my humanness and sinfulness. I am weak. I need sleep. I am not self-sufficient or independent. I need help. My body hurts. My heart aches even worse than my body. I’ve been anxious to meet this new little person. I’ve been struggling with the thoughts of “when will this ever happen?”
I’m concerned about Samuel. When will he get his feeding tube put in? He really needs it. He threw up the night before several times. We had our dear friend Alexis over and she helped him during the night. I felt so bad I didn’t even know about it. I was so exhausted I slept through it all.
A dear man passed away this week. He had been battling brain cancer for the past 16 months. I was able to attend the memorial service and was blessed by the testimony of his life. But I’m still sad. Not for him. He’s in glory with our Savior. With his son. With my sister. He’s seeing the Savior face to face. But it’s for those who are here on this side of death. Those who will live without him. I know they’re glad he’s no longer suffering… but I know it doesn’t mean their hearts don’t break.
And there’s a part of me in the back of my mind that thinks, “Dear God, please don’t let the next funeral be Samuel’s.” It’s not something I dwell on but it is something that comes up in my mind. I recognize that it’s a potential reality. I also know though that I would despair if I when down that train of thought too often.
People often tell me what a wonderful testimony we’re going to have through all of this. But what if the testimony is of Mike and I enduring our son having cancer… and then dying? What if it’s about how we have to live without him? I’m glad people believe that Samuel will be healed. I want to believe that too. Yet, I also know that God’s goodness is not based on healing Samuel. It’s not based on what I want to happen. I know God will be glorified but will it be in Samuel’s life??? Or Samuel’s death???
I’m sure these thoughts seem morbid. At five thirty in the morning, drugged up on morphine and exhausted from contractions I think I’m just being honest.
If I knew that God would heal Samuel and that things were going to be okay there would be no room for me to have to trust God. I’m believing in Him in spite of not knowing the outcome. I know God loves Samuel more than I do. I know God will receive the glory in this. But that’s where the faith part comes in. I have to cling to Jesus and trust Him with all the unknowns. I have to believe that He really knows what is best.
So enough of my tired rambling. My parents are home with the kids. My precious husband is sleeping and because of his exhaustion snoring beside me. My little Peter is moving inside me. And Jesus is encouraging me, sustaining me, and comforting me.
I’m too tired to hold on… so I know He’s holding me.
Comments
Love & Blessing,
Sarah