Rollercoaster.

Today was a day of ups and downs. I'm very tired. My pain has significantly increased. I feel irritable, moody, and emotional. I think my hormones are out of whack coupled with having surgery and the effects of anesthesia. Peter is still having blood sugar issues.

The hospital blessed us with a celebration meal at lunch. A delicious cheeseburger and fries and a piece of coconut cake- it was quite good. I was definitely happy that I got to see and hold Peter today. I actually was able to nurse him twice. Once at 5 and then again at 8. I am going to see him in an hour for his next feed. I'm so happy he's learning how to nurse. In addition, his heart murmur has disappeared. Yay!

I just wish Peter was in the room with me. It's really painful and uncomfortable walking all the way to the special care nursery. It's also a reminder of all my past experiences there with Samuel and then with the twins. I want to be thankful and rejoice knowing that this too will pass. This isn't a major issue (blood sugar). As much though as I try to reason with myself my heart still feels sad. I guess I thought with him being full term that things would be "normal" for us in some way. I'm disappointed because I don't think he will get to go home with us. I'm sure he won't be here for "very long" but it just adds another element to the mix. Who will care for the kids if Mike takes me to the hospital to see Peter? I can't drive for a while. I can't do any heavy lifting. I have a longer recovery time because of the c-section. And who will take care of Samuel and the other kids? Lots of questions. Life so often isn't convenient. And that's good for us because I think we're so used to the many conveniences of life. I think it helps us to turn to God.

So I'm turning to Him and leaving it in His hands. It's beyond my ability to take care of and definitely not in my power or control. I know He's not anxious about it... so I will cling to that.... He's got the whole world in His hands.