So Samuel just handed me something. He said, "look Mommy it's shaped like a candy cane." It is. But it's a dried shriveled up worm. Do you know that worms make me sad. It's not as though I have some affinity for them in general but everytime I walk up my sidewalk and see these dead dried out shriveled worms my heart gets sad. Weird I know. It's not like I feel bad when I squish a spider or an ant... but it's like I know these worms died some horrible death... drowning in the flooded underground and then dying baking in the sun once they have made it to the surface. What a horrible way to go.

The twins are 3 today!

I have had so much going on. Samuel has been screaming and crying a lot the past two days. He's been in a lot of pain. A combination of constipation, nausea and trying to work out what's going on. It's been awful. Actually this has been going on the last several weeks. It tears my guts out. In fact I slipped outside last night and beat the Sh** out of Mike's 100 pound punching bags. Even with wearing gloves my knuckles are raw.

I just paused to hold a bowl so my son can throw up in it.

The streamers are hung. The cakes are in the oven. Yes, plural on cakes. Ian and Michael each have their own...

My heart hurts. It's heavy with longing. Longing for things to be made right. Longing for the cancer to disappear. For my tears to dry up. For the ache to be over. This waiting... this painful waiting is where I'm at.

This mixture of balloons that are happy with throw up buckets. The joys of opened presents and the crying out in pain. My life is a blend of these things.

The cakes rise their sweet smell filling in the air.... the roses wilt and droop in their vase. The fresh scrubbed countertops and the dirty floor filled with crumbs and the remains of lunch and playtime of playdoh and scraps of paper.

I have just enough time to change the diaper of the screaming babe when the second timer goes off. The cakes are done. Peter now plays in his little activity seat, blowing raspberries and grasping for the plastic toys just out of reach.

I am tired but i say this guiltily... my husband let me get extra sleep this morning. He was so kind and gracious.

I just realized I forgot the napkins. I bought plates and cups and have balloons and streamers. do you think my three year olds will even know the difference :) probably not.

Yawn. A cup of tea is just the thing. Much to do. Much to be said, spoken, thought, felt, written, heard, done, undone, cleaned, wiped, prepped, disposed.... but I sit and write.

these thought spill out of me and I find comfort in knowing that I am still here. There is a piece of me that is still just Jennifer. Not mommy, not lover, not housekeeper or glorified maid, ..... but me. With all my quirks. And randomness. And sometimes sadness.

there are some great pictures I need to download and post... but they will come... it will happen. Just not this second.

The dishwasher hums and I am thankful that I don't have to wash THOSE dishes. The wind blows cool through the screened windows. And I take a deep breath... and exhale. To slow my mind and slow my breath. What a gift.

The house is imperfect but the kids are happy and clean and fed. The twins are napping. Peter has milky cheeks from his last nursing. Libby & Samuel are playing puppet shows and cleaning up the playroom. Mike is picking up the aquarium and fish for the twins. It's their birthday present.

So I am going to boil water and have a cup of tea and wash the cakebattered dishes and enjoy just being. Enjoying the present and now.


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