What is with me and my desire for perfection? I wish I could understand it better. I freak out if things don't go according to plan. I beat myself if I don't anticipate everything perfectly... utterly ridiculous. It's as if I think I'm God.... or that God expects me to be God. I am a creature. Weak, imperfect and in desperate need of perfection. And that perfection is found in Him. Not in me. Not in my frail attempts to get it right.

Take a deep breath. Live. That's what I have to repeat to myself.

I want to do it "right". All of it. Every part of my life. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Wife. Aunt. Niece. Friend. Role model. Home maker. I want to do things perfect: Exercise. Meal choices. How I dress. How I care for my kids, my home, my car. How I love my husband.

Sometimes I wonder if God has fashioned my life in such a way that with my present reality I am reminded of my need for Him. I think I would be so independent and self-sufficient if I had less challenge and struggles... less children, easier financial circumstances, etc. I wouldn't "need" Him. But in His awesome Sovereignty He allows me to have more than I can handle... so I look to Him. I am desperate for Him just to survive. I am aware that I am insufficient. Our God is so merciful to me.

He is reminding me to stop looking at others and comparing. Don't compare circumstances. Don't compare parenting styles. Don't compare my figure with theirs. Don't compare my car, my home, my children. God has given me unique circumstances and situations. Just as God has given them unique circumstances. I need to instead fix my eyes on what is pleasing to Him. I need to ground myself into His truth. Look to His Word and pray and meditate on it and then direct my steps based on what the Holy Spirit is leading. He is so good. He longs for me to follow in His ways. And He has a special path for me. And He knows me intimately.

I long for understanding. I want to be understood by others. I want to relate. I want compassion. I want empathy. I desire for people to know where I've been and where I'm coming from. The only One who knows that is God Himself. No other. He knows me intimately. He is the Only one who can know my heart of hearts and the depths of my soul. He longs for me to know Him too. I often draw back in fear. I long for intimacy but also dread it. I dread it because it would show me for what I am... my true colors... my imperfections. I'm afraid I'm not beautiful or intelligent or kind or talented or creative or sophisticated or wise or funny or godly enough. I'm not enough.

Yay! This is what boils down to... I AM NOT ENOUGH!

What a beautiful reminder. What a beautiful gift. This is truth. I am not enough! But Christ is! He is more than all my lack. He is complete and utter perfection. He is true beauty. He is love. And grace. And He is more than enough. So to rest in these truths. To let them soak in and sink in to the deepest parts of me.

And to repeat over and over like Luther as I breathe in and out, "I am yours. Save me."

Comments

Wasko Family said…
Hey Jennifer, this is Brian W. Just wanted you to know that I've been following your blog consistently for the past several weeks (since getting organized and setting up an RSS feed). And that you are good at it. Your posts are thoughtful, well-expressed and often quite moving.

I've often thought that one secret to a happy life is knowing what to say "screw it" to. And for most of us, it's a long list. Your version of that here is way more eloquent!

I also wanted to point out another mommy-blogger I discovered recently. She also writes from a place of struggle and loss and I thought the two of you might find some commonalities. If you do the RSS thing, give this blog a peek: http://joyinthisjourney.com/
Kelsey said…
Love you. Love you. Love you. Praying for you tonight. xoxo

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