Delicate.


Do you ever have those days in your life where you are struggling? Maybe you feel delicate? You feel like you could be crushed so easily. I've been having those weeks, months, or more appropriately years. Since the death of my sister I have found that I can be crushed in two seconds flat... by a song, by a comment, by a friend. I've had so many vivid dreams of my sister lately and I wake up almost every morning crying because the moment before I could touch her and talk to her and hug her. I wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I try to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. Wow, He must be super strong right now because boy I am weak!

Weakness issues: overeating. I've been doing really well with being disciplined in eating and exercising... the last 10 days or so would be the exception. I feel like I'm going crazy and trying to satisfy myself in food instead of God. It's a terrible cycle. I eat something really bad for me like a hostess cupcake or bakalava and go crazy. Now these things in moderation in an of themselves are NOT bad... but right now, I feel like depression has a chokehold on me and I'm doing everything I can to fight for air... so I eat yucky food and in turn feel yucky (which lets me feel sorry for myself) and in turn eat yucky food. Mike helped me do something brave. I told him, "throw it away"... and he did. He threw out all the yucky foods that have been holding me down. So today, I ate some cereal for breakfast and NOT chocolate! and have gotten back into the groove of healthy eating.

I've been reading the Bible for several days in a row... which some of you would know that in itself is nothing short of miraculous but I realized that it's not enough.... not enough to just check the box... oh yeah, I had my quiet time... and I also cleaned the kitchen, put the clothes away. God is not a to-do list... He is a relationship. It means getting to know Him better and pursue Him and letting Him pursue me. And letting Him see all my yuckiness, my idolatry, my sinful heart, and my brokeness and sadness and grief. It's letting Him know me and fix me.

Tulips used to be my least favorite flower. I've always preferred happier flowers like Gerber daisies, roses, sunflowers, etc. I hated tulips becaues I hated the way they looked when they die, so limp and sad, and despondent. I could never understand why my sister Libby loved them. Now they're one of my favorite flowers... because I am so much like them...delicate, fragile... and hopeful, yielding to my Maker.

Comments

Bethany said…
Oh big hugs to you Jennifer!!! I am praying for you. Sounds like you are looking to the right place...God to place your hope and strength.

Do you have the book Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon? The daily readings in that were and have been so encouraging to me especially after my second miscarriage. I read them over and over. It is so rich and so uplifting.

I will be praying with you and the eating too. I know that is hard. I have a tendancy to fill my hurt with a busy life and overschedule myself so that I can't feel pain...yet it comes regardless. I think we all have something we have a natural tendancy to do to heal our pain but God is the only thing that truly satisfys. Know you are in my prayers.

Big hugs to you.
Ashleigh said…
Jennifer, I'm continuing to pray for you. The eating thing can be so hard (by the way, you're not the only one guilty of eating chocolate for breakfast). This morning I woke up very emotional and sticking with WW was SO hard. Good for you -- in having Mike throw the yucky stuff away.

I am constantly encouraged by your openness and vulnerability. Each time I read your blog I find myself pointed to the Lord. Thank you for taking the time to encourage others with what you are struggling with and what the Lord is teaching you through them.
Dave said…
Can I tell you something, Jen?

You know when you're a kid - I mean young, like Libby or Sam - you don't know the things that you love yet. In fact, you don't really know who you are yet either! I mean, Libby and Sam don't know how much they really, really love playing the drums yet or how good at them they're going to be! ;)

Libby doesn't know the incredible gifts that God has placed inside of her at this point in time...but she'll steadily come into a realization of who she is, what she loves and what gifts are hers as she grows older.

Not too long ago, I was like Libby: unaware of who I really am. Over the past year and a half, the things that have been most integral in me growing are the revelations that God has given me about who I am and what He has given me.

You are not consigned to defeat! You HAVE victory. NOW! You can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens You by His presence in YOU - your NEW nature that He has given you (not the old, sinful one that has been done away with!)

Yes, of course, He gets the glory, He was the one who made it possible...but WE are the result, WE are made new! Can we even fathom what Paul says in Ephesians, that we have been given "EVERY spiritual blessing in Christ"!? How big are the implications!

I love you! I love who you ARE - and who you are is not someone that messes up makes mistakes, but "though a righteous man" (YOU!) "falls seven times, HE RISES AGAIN" [Prov. 24:16]. You ARE righteous. You ARE the one that, even though she falls, SHE GETS BACK UP. Righteousness, for us, is not whether or not we fall - but whether or not we get back up!!!

You are strong. You are God's girl, and if He is on your side - WHO!? can be against you!

I love you and am proud of you. If you were to see yourself as others do - much more, as GOD sees you! - oh, I wish you could!

Like parents to kids...You can see how amazing Libby and Sam are...but they can't...yet...

Now what about how God sees you?!

"When all that I see are the things
That need to be burned away,
YOU look at me and see
The gold..."
That's a song I'm working on right now...and it's TRUE, isn't it!?

Talk to you soon!
Jennifer said…
Thank you Bethany, Ashleigh, and especially Dave for your words of encouragement. You guys have blessed me so much. I know that God is giving me the strength I need. I am so encouraged that He hasn't given up on me and is continuing to refine me.
Sarah said…
Hey Jennifer,
You have no idea what an inspiration you are - even your honesty on this blog is such a sign of your longing to be more like Jesus. You rock! Even if you don't feel like it... it is most definitely true.
As someone who does "best" when in control, and someone who is far too often self-dependent, and someone far far away who values you as a long-distance friend very much - I really am challenged and inspired by how you are growing through everything that gets thrown at you (even if you can't always see it yourself!) and everything you say about learning to let God be strong in your weakness is such an important reminder (and very timely!) - especially in the unique, eloquent, heartfelt way you communicate it all....
You hang in there sweetie - you're amazing and I am bowled over by your vulnerability and humility and feel very privileged to know you.... big hugs from London, xxx

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