Do you ever have those days in your life where you are struggling? Maybe you feel delicate? You feel like you could be crushed so easily. I've been having those weeks, months, or more appropriately years. Since the death of my sister I have found that I can be crushed in two seconds flat... by a song, by a comment, by a friend. I've had so many vivid dreams of my sister lately and I wake up almost every morning crying because the moment before I could touch her and talk to her and hug her. I wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I try to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. Wow, He must be super strong right now because boy I am weak!
Weakness issues: overeating. I've been doing really well with being disciplined in eating and exercising... the last 10 days or so would be the exception. I feel like I'm going crazy and trying to satisfy myself in food instead of God. It's a terrible cycle. I eat something really bad for me like a hostess cupcake or bakalava and go crazy. Now these things in moderation in an of themselves are NOT bad... but right now, I feel like depression has a chokehold on me and I'm doing everything I can to fight for air... so I eat yucky food and in turn feel yucky (which lets me feel sorry for myself) and in turn eat yucky food. Mike helped me do something brave. I told him, "throw it away"... and he did. He threw out all the yucky foods that have been holding me down. So today, I ate some cereal for breakfast and NOT chocolate! and have gotten back into the groove of healthy eating.
I've been reading the Bible for several days in a row... which some of you would know that in itself is nothing short of miraculous but I realized that it's not enough.... not enough to just check the box... oh yeah, I had my quiet time... and I also cleaned the kitchen, put the clothes away. God is not a to-do list... He is a relationship. It means getting to know Him better and pursue Him and letting Him pursue me. And letting Him see all my yuckiness, my idolatry, my sinful heart, and my brokeness and sadness and grief. It's letting Him know me and fix me.
Tulips used to be my least favorite flower. I've always preferred happier flowers like Gerber daisies, roses, sunflowers, etc. I hated tulips becaues I hated the way they looked when they die, so limp and sad, and despondent. I could never understand why my sister Libby loved them. Now they're one of my favorite flowers... because I am so much like them...delicate, fragile... and hopeful, yielding to my Maker.