Emotional Energy... or the lack thereof.

The reason I haven't been online lately is because I have absolutely NO emotional energy.  I am so drained.  The thought of posting on my blog has made me want to cry so I haven't.  But now I'm ready.  Last Friday we had a consultation with the care team about Michael.  We discussed some therapy ideas to try this week for feeding but with the knowledge that surgery is the most likely option.  He's going to have a gastric tube put in (a "g" tube) so basically he's coming home with a feeding tube.
He will get it removed later, after he has surgery to correct his cleft palate.  He also will come home on a monitor because he keeps having brady's and apneas (low heart rate, holding breath (stop breathing)).   He also struggles with severe reflux.  So, my life is about to get busier and more intense.
I just talked with the surgeon's assistant tonight and the plan is for Michael to have surgery on Friday (late morning/ early afternoon).  I am excited that this will bring him home in the near future but am stressed about all the implications of having a child once again on a monitor and once again needing a lot of special care.  sigh.  I am finding myself being constantly stripped of control.  Stripped of my own desire to be independent.  I am once again on my knees desperately crying out to God.
My days are so full.  Full of dishes and laundry and wiping hands, faces, noses, and bottoms.  Changing diapers.  Oh did I mention Libby is potty trained?  She is!  She wears a pull-up at night and at rest times but she is doing great!  So now I only have 3 in diapers... as opposed to 4!
I'm finding myself constantly having to train the kids.  Train them to pick up their toys and after themselves.  Training them to put their dirty clothes away, their shoes away... but more than that the training of attitudes and obedience.  I'm trying to help them to learn self-control and to have a content heart... it's challenging.  Especially when mommy's trying to learn these things too!
Mike's been working for my dad lately.  So sometimes he works days and sometimes he works nights.  He's gone tonight.  From 11 p.m. - 6 a.m.  Bless his heart.  
Well, I'm going to try and get a little shut-eye.  I'm exhausted... hmm, I wonder why?  Wink, wink.


Caren said…
Jen, I am praying for you guys...God certainly has given you a full plate. But He also gives you the strength and the grace to deal with it all. You are such an example to me. thank you for being so transparent. God is good. I love you and am praying for you all.
Anonymous said…
You've got a plateful, girl! I can't imagine having one baby home and another one still in the hospital. I'll pray for Michael on Friday.

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