Thursday, June 19, 2008

Failure.

Sometimes I just feel like a big fat failure.  I want to give up, throw in the towel, and yell "I'm done," at the top of my lungs.  Actually I usually just want to swear... a lot.  Today was a bit intense.  I had to suction out Michael about four times today.  He really has issues of reflux.  The throw-up gets lodged and then he chokes... which leads to him holding his breath or being unable to breathe.  

I'm exhausted.  I'm sitting on the bed and writing to just get out all the emotions of the day.  I've been at the hospital since 9:30 this morning and didn't leave till 10:15 PM.  We had CPR this morning which was a great review.  I just hate the fact that it feels VERY necessary.

It's so hard being a mom.  It's hard to know who to care for in what order.  I know I just need to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.... but that's easier said than done.  I feel overwhelmed just trying to deal with minor stuff like who's going watch the kids.  I have five offers but I need to call each person and explain various things... like the fact Michael won't be picked up until tomorrow evening and I don't know how long people can watch Libby & Samuel for and then Ian on top of it.  I just want things to work without having to do it :)  You know what I mean?  I don't want to call anyone... can everyone just please read my mind?!  I mean what's up with us not all being telapathic, huh?

I know the mood I'm in right now.  It's the kind of mood where my dear mom would tell me, "Honey, it will look better in the morning."  I think she's right.  In the morning, after a "rest" I should have better perspective... or I guess at least enough courage to brave another day.  

Mike and I are memorizing the book of Ephesians.  You heard me, the whole book.  BUT at the end of it we get a date at Cheesecake Factory.  Dinner AND Dessert!  I believe hiding God's Word in my heart will serve me in this season.  I need to constantly remember and dwell on TRUTH... and not on what I feel at any given moment.  I am not able in my own strength.  Not able to to do another thing.

Christ, sustain me.  Give me strength in the midst of weakness.  Help Mike too.  We are stressed.  We are weak.  We are fragile.  We are so close to the breaking point.  Help us turn to you and not look to our limited selves.  We thank you for loving us and choosing us and calling us Your Own!  We love you and want to honor you with our lives.  In Your Precious Name we pray, Amen.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

Keep fighting the good fight of FAITH! God will give you strength at your lowest points and sustain you with Himself. He will keep your eyes fixed on Him.

I love you so much. Keeping you in prayer.

wendy said...

Jenn! Wow, I can not even begin to imagine. But one thought...when Robyn was having her year and preping to move to TX, I was her go between...the one all the help called and who organized everyone. Took one thing off her plate...maybe you could have one close person be that for you. Take all the phone calling off your plate. Just a thought, I would offer, but it might be hard from here, lol! You are doing a great job I am sure. Keep your eyes up if nothing else.

Ginger said...

reading this yesterday, God brought you to my mind.
ps 19:1, 4-5 "may the Lord answer you when you are in distress....may He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will SHOUT FOR JOY when you are victouious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.."
Im praying for you all Jenn--God was very gracious to let children be so forgiving..remember that when you cant get to tham all at once.