I lie in bed unable to sleep. It's nearing 1 a.m. and I've been up since 4 a.m. So you think I'd be sleeping but I'm not. My mind has been heavy and today has been a mix of a good and difficult day. Church was great and I felt tremendously encouraged by receiving prayer from many people. I was so thankful when at the end of the message they asked if any felt burdened or heavy hearted to come and receive prayer. I felt like it was me that they were talking to.
I feel so desperate to see God move and at work. This waiting. This slow process of trying to see God in the midst of so much turmoil, anxiety and fear. I want to believe God. I know the truth and I'm trying to base my actions on the truth, not how I feel.
Somedays it is literally putting one step in front of the other.
I feel like I'm doing well and then I speak sharply to one of the kids. I finish reading the Word and I go downstairs and complain about something. The worst is being in the car and singing worship music til the guy in front cuts me off and then I yell, "Jerk!"
What's that all about?
Oh the struggle and fight of being in this body. Of dying to the flesh and living by the Spirit. It's a battle.
Christmas is coming. I'd rather it not. I've done Christmasy things and could congratulate myself in terms of the fun things I've accomplished but I think I'm aching for more and am empty inside. It's the need to pause and be reminded what this time is about. It's rejoicing in this beautiful amazing Savior, our God in all His fullness becoming flesh... and restoring us in relationship to the Father.
Emmanuel... God with us. He knows fully and intimately our pain and struggles. He knows what we face. And He loves us.
O Sweet Savior, Come in Me
How I long to be with thee.
Dwell inside this broken being
Give me eyes, eyes of seeing.
You alone are all I need
My everything to be complete.
I cast myself down at your feet
Use this dead and lowly seed.
Grow me, make me truly thine
I am the branch and you the vine
I cling to you but you hold me
Let me see your glory divine.