Wearing Layers.

I'm not talking about clothing. I'm talking about layers of grief. Very thin and thick layers.... one on top of the other. I can't seem to bear it right now... I feel suffocated by loss.

I keep thinking of my sister... and I'm so happy that she's in Heaven. That she's with Jesus. But I'm still here. And I still sin and struggle... and just wish at times that I could be on the other side of this and be with her... and see God face-to-face. My time has yet to come. Someday... until then there is a sadness that creeps onto me and won't let go. Sometimes it's in seeing something that reminds me of her... or hearing news about a friend of hers... or just realizing how quickly life is changing for others... and yet I can feel so stuck. Things haven't changed in regards to her. She's gone. And she's not coming back. I see people have problems and issues and they cry out to God and over time things seem to change... relationships are restored... the infertile bear children...that which was lost is now found.* But there is nothing that can "solve my problem". I won't see her again on earth.

I do take hope though in knowing I will see her again. Death has not won- Christ is the victor over death.

BUT there is still the waiting. Still the need to be patient as I grow and change and God-willing, be transformed more into His likeness.

I'm sad. I found out that it's now official... (and I'm allowed to share)... my dear, dear, dear friends the Williams are moving to Charlotte, N.C. It's tempting to say that I'm pretty devastated. It's not as if I'll never see them again... but they have been probably one of the biggest blessings in my life. The way in which they have loved and have cared for me and my family can not be expressed in words. I'll leave it at that for now. It's too painful to even post about right now.

And also my struggle lives on... the temptation to compare myself to others. To see where I lack and others aren't. To compare similar situations but very different circumstances. Oh to surrender these petty, petty issues to Jesus. I wish there was a magic button that would help me to change instantly. Some magic words to say... some thing that would make my heart change instantly and my attitude to realign itself with truth. Oh that I could revel in others joy and good news and not be shattered by it. To compare their life with mine, which sometime feels like a life of suffering. I know we all suffer. Our lives are not what we would want them to be. And yet in the midst the faithfulness of God... to lovingly, gently direct my gaze. To take it off of myself... off of my surroundings and to fix it upwards... towards Him. To stop looking horizontally and be redirected to the vertical. To see God and His goodness even in the worst of times. And I pray that He will help me to calm my spirit and to be content... to have a heart of gratitude... for I am lacking no good thing because I have HIM!




* I'm not saying people don't have unanswered prayer or that life is easy and trial free. I understand that everyone has struggles, trials, problems and pain. I'm just attempting to convey my feelings...