Heaven Birthdays.

This Saturday will be my sister, Libby's, 5th Heaven Birthday. This way of thinking about it came as I was sharing with my daughter about her Auntie Libby. I was telling her on Auntie Libby's Heaven Birthday we would be eating ice-cream and cake for breakfast... and celebrating her. She asked if we could eat it down here and not up there. I told her yes. She then asked me if I would bring Auntie Libby and Sam some ice-cream. I told her that I'm sure Jesus will do it. She looked at me very seriously and said, "I love God."

But I like this thought of Heaven Birthdays. It's what happened, my sister was birthed into Heaven. Instead of seeing it as when she died... or how many years it's been in a negative way, seeing how beautiful it is that she's spent that many years in Heaven with Jesus. The thought brings me a smile. Not that I'm glad my sister's gone- I miss her to pieces. It's just that I know with birthdays you celebrate. You don't celebrate death. It's an effect of sin. But life you celebrate. Birthdays are a celebration of life. And now my sister has eternal life with Jesus.... no more death. She has already passed through onto the other side. She is in the realms of glory. What a beautiful thought to think of the joy that awaits me, that she is already experiencing!

I was recently asked by a friend what I found helpful and what I found not so helpful when it comes to dealing with grief. Here are some of my thoughts. Tambra- this is for you!


What is Helpful:

Be willing to listen. A touch on the shoulder, a hug, or simply rubbing someone's back can communicate so much better than words. Giving flowers. Telling the person about a favorite memory of their loved one. Telling the grieving person that you still remember their loved one. Not being afraid to say that you are sad with them. Writing them a card. Planting a plant, tree or flowers in memory of the loved one. Letting the grieving person know that you are there and that you care about them. Asking the grieving person if they want to talk about their loved one. Asking if they have a favorite memory of their loved one.


I have some dear friends who excel in caring for me. A dear friend recently sent me a card... the note was precious to me. She also included a Starbucks card (because she knows I love it) and some cash.... which I'm going to use in memory of Libby. Probably get some tulips among other things :) Another friend took me to lunch and asked me all about my sister. It was very emotionally healing and comforting to share with her about my sister. I have another friend who has offered to take me to a make and take pottery place to create something in remembrance of my sister. Another friend is just good about asking me how I am doing when it comes to Libby. Another friend sends me texts of love, encouragement and Scripture. Another friend just bought me a wonderful coffee cup... it's Libby red. And now it's my Libby mug that I love to drink out of. My husband has been sweet to bring me breakfast in bed. It's been a sweet way to wake up and start my day... especially when I feel so low and don't really want to get out of bed... he really brightens it up by starting it right :)


Now for the tough part. This is what I have found very unhelpful. I am NOT referencing any particular person/incident.

Offering cliches: "Just Trust in God." "He's Good all the time". "at least she's in Heaven".
It is good to remind friends of truth but it is not helpful to throw "bombs of truth" at them. Of course God is good, of course I trust Him, of course I'm glad she's in Heaven BUT it doesn't make the pain go away. And it doesn't mean that it's easy to walk through grief!
Questioning the person about whether or not they are sinning in their grief.
What area in our lives in not tainted with some element of sin? Of course we still sin in grief. There is a time and place to help bring re-direction but to tell people they're sinning because they're grieving???? Hmmm. Or even that you know what their motives are. We are all given a certain propensity to sin in certain ways when we are weak. That's when cry out to God to help us. But grieving is not a sin! We are called not to grieve as those without hope... this is true! BUT it does not say... do not grieve!*
Speaking too much without listening... try and hear what the person is saying. Often you will find that they know and believe the truth- they could just use some comfort, a squeeze of the hand, a hug.
Questioning their salvation. This has happened to me more than once... from people in church. They will wonder if I'm even a Christian because of my sadness or grief. Well, God isn't threatened or put off by it... He is a Comforter. He was a man of Sorrows. He understands my pain. My hope is in Christ. Just because I can recognize my life as being difficult at times or sorrowful in missing my sister doesn't remove my Salvation. Christ is my salvation. His work, death, and resurrection are my hope- He has saved me.*
"They wouldn't come back even if they could." Okay this is just plain unhelpful. We want them to be happy and be with God but we miss them and wish they were with us. Don't rub it in that they wouldn't want to come back.


So if you can come away with a nugget of truth in what I've said, GREAT! If this doesn't speak to you I can appreciate that. We all can use some love and care and reminder of God.

Also, about Heaven Birthdays... please don't present this to someone fresh in their grief... it could be very hurtful or painful to them that you are trying to make their sorrow a joyful thing. Give people time to grieve in their way and pray for them that in time they can come to a place where they can rejoice too. It has been 5 years... If this was 4 years ago I might have wanted to slap someone if they told me "oh you're just celebrating Libby's birth into Heaven". So be sensitive and thoughtful of others. This is what I am finding helpful now in the season I'm in.




*I am not saying there aren't times to be concerned about someone's walk with the Lord. I can appreciate that. I'm relating to what has happened to me and other Christians I know. We believe the truth about God... we just need love and care and extra encouragement at times! There are so many other ways I could preface this. I know there is a time and place to say some of these things but I think you need to be wise and be led by the Spirit. Be discerning about what is blessing a person and what is hurting them!


I hope I didn't overwhelm and discourage anyone with all of these thoughts that are often conflicting. Do this but don't say that. Pray and ask God for wisdom. Let Him lead you! Be loving and kind... it goes a long way and covers a multitude of mistakes :)