I really should be falling asleep. I have to get up early tomorrow. Samuel is going to clinic and I'm taking Ian and Peter to see Libby receive her award and sing songs.. and I have yet to find the video camera that I just had a few days ago but have managed to misplace between then and now.
I broke some dishes today. No, not on purpose. On accident. And of the dishes I was really excited about because it was a saucer and it matched my tea cup and I couldn't find it and then I found it... yesterday.... and then I broke it today. I was kind of sad and frustrated. It came at a bad time. I was trying to finish feeding the kids lunch and was undoing the dishwasher and when the dishes broke i had to get the kids out of the kitchen because the glass went everywhere and the twins were upset because they were helping me unload the silverware (their favorite "job") and I was making them leave because their feet were bare and they didn't understand and got all whiney and crying and mad.
So I swept up these broken shards and thought of what I was talking to Mike about last night.
I'm afraid to admit something is good because I'm afraid it will get taken away. If my life is going well or I see something good happening I'm afraid that just by saying it's good that I will lose it... or it will be broken... or the shit will hit the fan. It seems like just when I start go get adjusted to my new "normal" something else comes along. I keep waiting with baited breath. I feel wide-eyed and a bit nervy... just expecting the next hard thing to come my way. And that's not how I want to live. I want to enjoy the now. I want to embrace the now.
I tend to get hung up on the past or the future. I analyze my past and compare it with others or how I thought it should be or make myself feel ashamed or guilty for not doing this or not being that. I look ahead to the future with fear and anxiety. How will I handle life when Peter can crawl? How will school be for Samuel this Fall? Am I going to ever potty train the twins? Will the cancer come back after treatment is done? All these things that I don't know and don't have control over. I want to embrace the NOW.
To enjoy the fact that Peter is a good baby and making normal progress. To enjoy that Michael's PT (physical therapy) is being cut back... because he's catching up and is able to do more!!! That Samuel is responding well right now to the chemo and that his pain has been less right now. That I have diapers for right now and diapering works for right now. Eventually these other things will come into play.... and there will be grace for that then. But right now I need the grace for what I face now... not the imaginary and the yet to come. His mercies are new every morning and I need to rest in that. Will His grace be present tomorrow, yes! But I don't have the grace for tomorrow, today.... I will have it tomorrow. Aaaaah. Rest in that. He knew I wouldn't be able to handle the thought 6 years ago of me having five kids and the special needs they have, etc. But today and right now I have the grace to deal with my present reality. A year ago I didn't have the grace to deal with a child with cancer... but today I do. I have the grace for exactly where I'm at!
I don't know what tomorrow, or next month or next year will bring... but I have what I need for THIS day and when the time comes I will have what I need for THAT day. Until then I rest in the grace and mercies that are present in this moment and soak up the joy and gratitude of where I'm at. And if my day is hard I take comfort that this too shall pass.