Thursday, June 06, 2013

Death, Life & Happy Pills

The plan was for me to go the dentist's yesterday. My Mom came in my room in the morning and I heard it in her voice before I even saw her face. "Jennifer?!" The anxiety, pain and grief in her voice alone told me... someone has died. Then I saw her face and it was complete confirmation. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her hair disheveled. Eyes red.

Marie Schafer, one of my Mom's dearest friends
One of my Mom's dearest friends passed away. 

I spent the day with my Mom. She had a doctors appointment and then we had lunch. I loved hearing her stories about Marie. We also bought the last minute things needed for my grandmother's arrival.

Roger and Marie have been family friends of ours for a long time. I remember Roger coaching Libby's (my sister) soccer team. Marie has always been a beautiful woman. Gorgeous dark hair, glowing skin and a lovely smile. She and my mom bonded over nutrition and health tips. They both love exercising and healthy eating and living.

One of my first memories of them was going over to their house. I was set up to babysit all the kids; meaning my two siblings, Libby & Christopher as well as Roger and Marie's kids: Brett, Rachael and Matthew. Matthew kept biting us. It's a funny story to remember now but it kind of bonded our families together. We kids weren't together all the time but we came together at parties and graduations and various other life events. And now these "kids" are all adults. Libby is gone and now Marie. My heart breaks for their family.

Last night, Mike and I picked up my grandmother and aunt and cousin from the airport. The usual drive home of 45 minutes extended into an hour and a half. It was crazy traffic. We were thankful to get to the house and enjoy a supper of Chinese (thanks Christopher & Kristin!!!) Kristin is also a rockstar and did an amazing job helping clean and pick up and organize the house! Tremendous blessing!

Michael had surgery today.

Surgery went well and the process was smoother than expected. Michael is tired and wiped out but his stomach is fixed and now he needs rest. What I wasn't counting on was how exhausted I would be. I feel emotionally and physically wiped out.

Just gave Michael pain medicine. Hopefully that will cover him til morning. He's supposed to have field day tomorrow at school but it would be too rough and too much for him. He needs to stay home and recover. Also had to cancel his physical therapy appointment that he was to start tomorrow.

Ian has field day and his end of year class party tomorrow. Samuel has the dentist for x-rays and sealants. We only have one vehicle right now. Mike's is officially totaled. Rental car option is over for now. We need to get a new car soon. Mike wasn't able to work much this week with all the appointments and goings on that we've had. It's been a lot of pressure and stress financially in addition to emotionally, physically, etc..

Yeesh. I took a nap when I got home. I thought I would take a little rest since there was someone helping with the kids. I completely passed out. Just utterly zonked.

Sleep is calling my name. But there's inner turmoil that I'm trying to put to bed first.

This anxiety of spirit is bringing me down. Don't you wish you could snap your fingers and be okay? All I need is to pop  just a few "happy pills" and I will be okay.

I will manage but not in my own strength. I know that in the end all will be right. But I'm not there yet. Right now there is death, pain, sin, suffering, disease and heartache. I'm not on the other side of this. So, instead of a happy pill that would fade, that would temporarily stave off the hurt and the ache of this life or temporarily numb the pain, I have something much deeper, much richer, more fulfilling, but requires faith- I have Jesus. 

I bring to Him all these hurts, these aches and pains and griefs. 

Jesus, I need you. you say you are near to the broken hearted and the crushed in spirit. Please comfort. Please be near. Please heal the wounds... of heart, body, mind, and soul. Surrendering all to you. Committing myself into your hands. Believing you will make beauty from ashes.

Chris Tomlin's song is the cry of my heart...
"Lord, I Need You"

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You



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