I really wonder if I should change my blog to MESSES WITH JENNIFER instead of Musings by Jennifer. It would probably be more accurate.
In the past 24 hours or so I have found an alien in my washing machine. Stepped in multiple "puddles" of oatmeal in bare feet. Helped clean up a dodgeball-while-eating-cheerios fiasco. Tripped on a T-rex. Slipped on ice from my six year old accidentally dumping out the ice box onto the kitchen floor. Slept on a flashlight. Found a bucket of pee in the closet (and no, I'm not exaggerating, unfortunately-SURPRISE). A lego in my bra (at the dentist office... awkward).
Not much in my life is "orderly" or "ideal"... and I'm continuing to remind myself that that's okay.
I don't like things being messy and out of order which would probably surprise you if you've been to my house because my house is very out of order :)
I am proof of the war and struggle with brokenness, living in a sinful and fallen world, and being weak.
The truth I've discovered though is I often think, "oh, if this were clean then it would be okay." "If I lose this much weight..." "If this were in order..." "If we had extra money..." If_______________.....
But here's the rub. Even when I do get my "wishes granted" I come up empty. My heart is dissatisfied and discontent. There's always more I want. More I need. More that's broken. And even when things are right in my home... they're wrong in my heart. The issue, the real issues, the true issues, lie within me.
And so I continue to go to the Lord and say, "I NEED YOU!!! I CAN'T DO IT. I'M EMPTY. BROKEN. WEAK. NEEDY. HELP!!!!"
And He rescues me from myself... rescues me from my need to please. rescues me from my ridiculous expectations. Rescues me from false assumptions....
NOTHING WILL EVER SATISFY ME BUT HIM!
I think other things will help. I try and replace God with other things. With Order. Structure. Cleanness. with a thinner image. With pride in my own accomplishments and strength. But it's only God and God alone who will fulfill me. Only He can restore this broken mind, body and soul.
And thankfully He is enough
Lately, I've been struggling with just keeping up with the basics. You know eating. Showering. Laundry. Dishes. Making meals. Etc. And it's a sweet reminder that really it's all the Lord. It's all His grace and mercy. Me getting anything done is miraculous. I forget how much I rely on Him even when I'm not aware that it's Him I'm relying on.
So off to start my day. Reminding myself of truth. Because honestly I can't get through the day without God. Trusting in His faithfulness not my weakness. Trusting in His grace not my ability. Trusting in His love not my ability.