Monday, July 14, 2008

When All Feels Lost.

I've yelled today out of impatience.  I've had to stimulate Michael to keep him breathing.  I've been spit up all over.  I've heard someone crying for over 90% of the day.  I overate in the effort to "eat something".  I haven't exercised and I'm still in my jammies.  I'm too tired to even cry.  Michael is trying to rip off the tape that's holding his in-d tube... and he's in so much pain.  I hate seeing him in pain.

I dispense medicine all day.  I change diapers.  i nurse.  I make formula.  I freeze breast milk.  I prepare meals.  I set up doctor's appointments.  I bathe children: toddlers and infants.  I clean away the infected areas.  I visit Target Pharmacy A LOT. 

I feel over my life at times.  I mean, way over it.  And then something happens.  Something happens that sustains me through the next moment.  An encouraging word.  A sweet song.  A coo.  A smile. A kiss. An "I love you."  A sleeping babe.  An unexpected check. I read a good book (or at least an amusing one, wink).  I knit.  I eat ice-cream.  Someone watches the kids so I can nap.  I take a shower.  I eat a salad.

God's love breaks in.  His grace sustains me in my darkest moments.  His presence calms the whelming flood.

The positives I see right now:

1.)  Michael is home.
2.)  I have the most AMAZING, AWESOME husband in the world!!!!!!
3.)  Isabella is coming over tomorrow to help me with the kids and with the house.  It's always a good day when she's over :)
4.)  I spent most of last week and today with my mom.  She's my best girl friend.
5.)  I got to go to a friend's engagement party last week.
6.) My dearest Swedish "sister" is coming in a couple weeks to stay for a few days!  Sara- I can't wait to see you!
7.)  I'm not going to hell.  Thank you sweet Jesus.
8.) I haven't completely lost my sense of humor :)
9.) God willing, I will get through this and live to laugh at myself and these hard times.
10.)  Mike worked 12 hours today.
11.) Our electric bill is paid.  Our phone bill is paid.  And we don't have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for the two wee nuggets.

I'm still exhausted.  I still NEED a good cry.  I still want to give up... but He is carrying me.  My boundaries have truly fallen in pleasant places. (Psalms)  Were it not for this pain, these challenges, hard-times, and suffering would I see the Lord like I do now?  I can't lose sight of Him in the midst of such hardship because He is all I hold to and cling onto.  He has given me good gifts.  We have a dear woman, Annie, who comes over and stays with Michael once or twice a week.  She has been a blessing and helps us get through some long nights.  We are blessed to have home health nurses check on Michael.  Ian is growing strong.

So rejoice, my soul.  Even when tired or frustrated and angry, rejoice.  God is good.  He has not forsaken you.  He has not left you in the midst of this.... He is with you.  He is quick to comfort, slow to anger, and abounding in love.

"Then Sings My soul, my Saviour God to Thee... How Great Thou Art.  How Great Thou Art."

9 comments:

wendy said...

I know it is hard to see in the midst...but you are doing an amazing job! Everyone fed? Everyone clothed (in something)? You are doing well. It will change in the blink of an eye...

Sarah said...

Wow Jennifer. I don't know how you are doing it all but my thoughts and prayers are with you guys a lot right now. Those beautiful babies are so blessed to have you as their mom. Praying for extra blessings for you today...

Toby said...

I am awestruck by your words. I have no idea who you are, but I now know why I was led here. I need to wake up and realize my 2 kids arguing all day is absolutely nothing to complain about. I will pray for you...as will my wife, my Mom, our pastor...
How you find time to blog about your struggles and successes is beyond my comprehension. I guess some things aren't meant for us to understand, but just to admire. I would say "best of luck", but that just doesn't do it...Best of God's love to you and your family. Thank you for sharing. Your words have motivated and inspired me to MOVE in my walk with God. Standing still will get us nowhere.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."John 16:33

Sara of Sweden said...

Can't wait to meet you too! It's almost like a dream! Can you believe it's been 2 whole years since we met the last time?!! Miss you sooo much!
Hugs
Sara

Anonymous said...

when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like steam billows roll. whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say even so, it is well with my soul.

Paul, Jess & Elise said...

Jen...Jessica LeValley here. Paul and I are praying for you all. How you make it from day to day is a wonder! God is so faithful to sustain us! Wow! I am really praying for Michael. I can't imagine what it must feel like to see your little one struggling and in pain. I'm praying that God will guide the surgeon and bring quick resolution to the medical problems. Come visit my blog...I'm terrible at it and don't spend ANY time doing it...but I did post some recent pics of Elise...and if you keep scrolling down to christmas time...you'll see an old family pic of us! We look the same now except Elise is a little older and Paul has started shaving his head. My dad has cancer and lost his hair...since we live with my parents right now Paul joined in the head shaving fun and it looks REALLY good. So...he keeps it! :)

Stephen's Girl said...

Praise the Lord for his sustaining grace in trials! It is encouraging hear how he is caring for you! We want to see you! We're in the area! We'll try to get in touch soon! I know your life is crazy but we're happy to fold laundry or clean bathrooms, etc. Love you guys! R. Lackey

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenn & Mike, Peace to you today in the midst of it all. God's wisdom in the decisions you make for Michael. May every hour of sleep have double the benefit. This may seem a trivial question I hope not. Can you tell me why Michael is in so much pain? I thought it was the reflux but he's not having that with the d-tube?? We love you guys and wish we were there to hold and pray for these little guys. Love and hugs , GRandmother & Aunt Barb

Sarah Keene said...

Hey Jennifer
Just wanted to let you know that I read your blog regularly! You are on our minds quite a bit and we are praying for you guys.
P.S. It looks like you have a lot of friends named Sarah! =)