When All Feels Lost.
I've yelled today out of impatience. I've had to stimulate Michael to keep him breathing. I've been spit up all over. I've heard someone crying for over 90% of the day. I overate in the effort to "eat something". I haven't exercised and I'm still in my jammies. I'm too tired to even cry. Michael is trying to rip off the tape that's holding his in-d tube... and he's in so much pain. I hate seeing him in pain.
I dispense medicine all day. I change diapers. i nurse. I make formula. I freeze breast milk. I prepare meals. I set up doctor's appointments. I bathe children: toddlers and infants. I clean away the infected areas. I visit Target Pharmacy A LOT.
I feel over my life at times. I mean, way over it. And then something happens. Something happens that sustains me through the next moment. An encouraging word. A sweet song. A coo. A smile. A kiss. An "I love you." A sleeping babe. An unexpected check. I read a good book (or at least an amusing one, wink). I knit. I eat ice-cream. Someone watches the kids so I can nap. I take a shower. I eat a salad.
God's love breaks in. His grace sustains me in my darkest moments. His presence calms the whelming flood.
The positives I see right now:
1.) Michael is home.
2.) I have the most AMAZING, AWESOME husband in the world!!!!!!
3.) Isabella is coming over tomorrow to help me with the kids and with the house. It's always a good day when she's over :)
4.) I spent most of last week and today with my mom. She's my best girl friend.
5.) I got to go to a friend's engagement party last week.
6.) My dearest Swedish "sister" is coming in a couple weeks to stay for a few days! Sara- I can't wait to see you!
7.) I'm not going to hell. Thank you sweet Jesus.
8.) I haven't completely lost my sense of humor :)
9.) God willing, I will get through this and live to laugh at myself and these hard times.
10.) Mike worked 12 hours today.
11.) Our electric bill is paid. Our phone bill is paid. And we don't have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for the two wee nuggets.
I'm still exhausted. I still NEED a good cry. I still want to give up... but He is carrying me. My boundaries have truly fallen in pleasant places. (Psalms) Were it not for this pain, these challenges, hard-times, and suffering would I see the Lord like I do now? I can't lose sight of Him in the midst of such hardship because He is all I hold to and cling onto. He has given me good gifts. We have a dear woman, Annie, who comes over and stays with Michael once or twice a week. She has been a blessing and helps us get through some long nights. We are blessed to have home health nurses check on Michael. Ian is growing strong.
So rejoice, my soul. Even when tired or frustrated and angry, rejoice. God is good. He has not forsaken you. He has not left you in the midst of this.... He is with you. He is quick to comfort, slow to anger, and abounding in love.
"Then Sings My soul, my Saviour God to Thee... How Great Thou Art. How Great Thou Art."