Saturday, September 24, 2011

the ramblings of the sleep deprived.

"Whose not getting any sleep? It's me. It's me." Said with SNL perfect cheer skit inflection.

What is the deal. I'm utterly exhausted. My body hurts physically. Pulled some weird neck/shoulder muscle... but my head is spinning and my mind is reeling.

Just when I think I get this "grace" thing I get hit with something and bam, whiplash occurs.

Nothing big. Just me. Not having it together and falling apart... and being what I accused my daughter of being today... DRAMATIC. Hey, it takes a drama mama to make one, right?

I've had a great day. I got to run errands and it was uber productive and I spent the day with Libby. It was a mixture of business and pleasure. We did get many errands accomplished but also were able to have lunch together and we had fun talking and just being in each other's company.

So good day, right? But, I feel low. Aha. Good day. Productive Day... doesn't always equal good feelings. Weird, huh. But I guess it makes sense. Sometimes I can be having a crappy day but I'm at perfect peace and it doesn't phase me. My outward circumstances are not always a reflection of my inner self. My heart and mind don't always match up with the rest of me. And I know this will pass.

I ate too much candy tonight. Why? Sometimes I LIKE to make myself feel BAD. That's silly right? Actually, it's stupid. (there I said the bad "s" word, don't tell Libby!) BUT the truth is I can't seem to let myself just be okay and doing well. It's like I need to feel bad. So I eat too much sugar and I feel crappy. I'll let myself feel sorry for myself. I sabotage my hard work.

I can eat right all day and then suddenly find myself sabotaging myself. I feel like "Well, I deprived myself so I've earned this." Okay, I'm not depriving myself... the issue is I find instant gratification and comfort in food. The truth is though... sometimes it's a torment. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat again. I wish I didn't have to think through and ask myself, "Is this healthy? Will this restore my body? Will this provide good fuel so I can think and function well? Is this enough fiber and protein? Is it whole grain? Fruit? Vegetable? Lean Protein? Will this help me lose weight or at least create a healthier me?" on and on. And then I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will never be able to lose the weight I want to lose. I'm afraid I won't be able to ever make another pound drop off my body.

My body is going through major changes. I'm weaning Peter. he bites really hard, frequently, during nursing lately. And it hurts like hades. Enough said. So stopping nursing means no "extra calories" to consume. But I haven't caught up with that. I haven't adjusted to being able to take in fewer calories. And my hormones are CrAzY.

On and on. I could create a list of excuses or just offer my explanation of the busyness of my life. The intensity. The overwhelming nature of just surviving day to day. But I want to more than survive. I want to thrive.

But here is the thing. God would NOT love me any LESS if stopped losing weight. Nor would he love me more if I dropped 50 pounds. God is pleased with me because I'm in Jesus.

I want to be healthier. I want to lose weight. I want to take care of what God has given me and one of the things that He has provided for me and that I am responsible for is my body. So, I'm asking God for help. Help to change. Help to hold fast to Him and cling to Him when I'm anxious. To tell myself that my life is so tough that I need to eat too much chocolate is not going to help anyone. I want to enjoy food and savor it. But I don't want to be controlled by it.

Maybe some of you can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you can't. Maybe food doesn't have a stronghold on you. If not, that's great. But if not food, then what... Do you find yourself running to something for comfort other than God? Looking for satisfaction or contentment in something or someone else is an empty quest. It will only leave you dry and longing for your thirst to be quenched... it is a mirage in the desert. Other things or other people (outside of the person of Jesus Christ) will never satisfy you.

I want to be like the psalmist who is describing his longing for God as a deer panting for a stream of water. Christ promises that He has living water. He is the living water.

John 4:13-14

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”


So, I stumble on. My eyes are droopy. I think I can sleep now. I rest in the comfort that His love for me is unchanged. And I ask for Him to help me change. To help me repent of my ways and to trust Him... that He really is more than enough for me.

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