Saturday, October 16, 2010

When the tears slide sideways...

I was laying on my bed feeling thoroughly crushed this morning and my tears began to slide sideways. They usually run down my cheeks and chin but today they fell and ran over my nose and my other eyelid and landed in my ear. it reminded me of long ago summers with swimmers ear.

The world feels turned upside down. I know it's not. I see people going on around me as business as usual. It's just for my small personal little world I feel so out of control. I feel broken. Humbled. Semi-shattered.

I was in the hospital on Tuesday with contractions coming every one to two minutes. I didn't think they would stop. But thankfully they did. They gave me this medicine, apparently some type of opiate, and my favorite anti-nauseau med, phengrin, and they slowed. I fell asleep.

I was then transferred to the ante-partum unit for therapeutic rest. I slept well that night but the rest of the time there was pretty miserable. The care was sloppy and inefficient and I won't get into details or I will just get riled up again. It just wasn't a good experience.

BUT, Peter is still on the inside! I will be 35 weeks tomorrow! Yay.

Mike stayed with me at the hospital and we were blessed to have nursing come and hook Samuel up for his IV feeds. Thank God! Thank EdMarc for great care!

I'm still having contractions but hoping I can hold off for a week or two. I see the doctors on Wednesday.

The pack n play is set up in the room and all ready for Peter. His clothes are washed and ready. His blankets are all clean. I got diapers.... but they're all size 2! I think I need to get some newborns and ones and I should be set :)

Libby's birthday is next Saturday. She will be 6! It would be great to hold off until after her birthday for there to be a new baby.

I feel OVERWHELMED by all the administrative tasks I have on my plate. I've got to trust God with them! I can only do so much. And see, even just typing it brought on a contraction. Whew. I guess I really should just take it easy, right?

Michael's asthma is flaring. I took him in to the docs on Tuesday morning and they put him on oral steroids. He might need to go in on Monday for a follow-up because it doesn't seem to be doing the trick so to speak. He was out of school all last week.

He's supposed to have a pumpkin field trip for school. I need to get Liby cupcakes for school for her birthday for next week. And we haven't bought her presents yet.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Yes, I could keep going. I'm a bit nutty. C'est la vie.

Deep breath. Relax. All will be well in the end.

I see God's sweet mercy and grace in my life. I just need to recognize it for what it is. Yes, we're experiencing serious hardships and trials but Our God is consistently there. Consistently holding us. Consistently providing for us. Ever faithful. Ever true.

Well, off to get Michael more abuterol and myself some airborne and emergen-c. Yep, still got this cold thing going. Please pray for God's sustaining power. I'm fighting loneliness and despair... I know He's there holding me. I just wish I "felt" it.


Courtney said...

Just read your latest post. Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry. I think it's okay that you get the blues - goodness knows I would be fighting that too in your shoes! I honestly don't know how you are getting through it, except by the grace of God. Just hang in there. Try not to be overwhelmed. When I've faced situations that seem completely overwhelming, a friend once reminded me that God is the Great I Am, not the Great I Was or Great Will Be. He is in the past and in the future, but He chooses to be in our present. So try to focus on that, and know that the Lord is carrying you now. His grace will carry your next breathe, your next minute, and your next hour. And those will all string together like a pearl necklace to create a thing of beauty that reflects Him. I'm praying for you, my friend. And although I know we haven't hung out or caught up in years, know that I'm here and I would love to help in whatever way I can. For now that's praying, but I'm available for more if you need it. (can babysit, run errands, etc. - whatever you need) Love you girl! --Courtney

wendy said...

Hey Jen!

As I was reading this post, I am feeling for you friend! But I thought, maybe it is pregnancy cold...did you get that with any others? I got it with my last. I had a stuffy head the whole time. The Dr said it will go away when the baby is born and sure enough as soon as she was here...bam my stuffy nose was clear...seriously like noticeable in half a day/day, gone! I am praying that it is the same for you and at least one thing will be instant relief when your precious baby comes :-).

wendy said...
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