Dastardly: cowardly and malicious, base.
Okay, I'm not feeling malicious but I feel very cowardly. I get so fearful of the next crises. So tired of the other shoe dropping. Just when I thought I would work on my "urgency addiction" (First Things First- Stephen Covey) and not seek adrenaline rushes. It's as though I can just turn around and there's something there to get my heart elevated. I long for it to be over. The stress. Anxiety. And strain, tremendous strain. Good thing I've been exercising, huh?
Michael is home sleeping peacefully in his little chair and I can see him as I peek past the computer screen. His little cheeks are rosy pink. He's wrapped in a cream and blue snowflake blanket. His hair flling softly on his head. So tender and sweet. I know I should rejoice and I do...
but I also dread.
I dread the next hospitalization. I dread the next sickness. And I know I shouldn't think and assume the worse but the worst seems to happen. It's as though I can't escape it.
It's after 1 a.m. and I sit here awake. Exhausted and restless. I feel the need to climb a mountain or maybe wrestle with an angel like Jacob. I could probably spend the whole night cleaning the house and going out to the shed to do laundry (me and my flashlight in the dark) but that probably won't serve me. Or I could cry myself to sleep.
The deep pain in my heart is spilling over. The anger too. The questions rising up. The temptation to scream at God... "What are you doing?!!!!! When will this end? Why the pain and trials? Have we not learned enough? How do we keep holding on?"
I have been missing my sister so desperately lately. I wish she was here to talk to. I would call her right now. Middle of the night. And I would tell her what's going on. About Michael and my concern with his breathing/coughing/choking issues... and about Mike and his need for a job. And how I'm afraid the electricity will be turned off again. And how I wish she could just come over and make me laugh the way she always would when I was crying. Or we could sing at the top of our lungs while doing the dishes. Or go out for Slurpees at 7-11... or a large sweet iced tea at Chick-fil-A. And I wish I could tell it all to her- how our parents are and Christopher. And how hard it is to watch them all struggle. And how sad I am that I never got to hold her little boy. And how i wish I could have said good-bye or seen her one last time. And how I've learned to hold my breath when I cry so I don't wake Mike up.
There are times I want to go to the cemetary and just lay on her grave so I can be close to her. I know she's not there. But if feels like the closest I'll be to her until Heaven. And then I wonder if Sam was buried with her...
I've often heard people say how "strong" I am. I feel anything but. I'm so weak. So broken. I get so angry and have to bite back the words when I hear the things people say to me at times. And at these times I feel tempted to feel alone and friendless. Tempted to give into the lies of the Enemy. Tempted to despair and give up and give in. And you know what... I have failed. I've sinned. I've fallen short.
The Good News though is there is One who Hasn't. He's pleading on my behalf. He intercedes for me. He is my Redeemer and He lives. His name is Jesus. And He has born my sins and has taken my place. He has brought reconciliation with me and God... and now I am His child and can cry out Abba, Daddy, save me.
Lord, I don't understand why life is the way it is. I don't understand the trials and experiences I've had. I know that all things work together for good for those who are called according to your purpose. I know that I'm not alone and that you will never leave or forsake me. I'm tired and tempted to give up. Please rescue me from myself. Please help me to hold onto you. You say that you are close to the brokenhearted. Please be near me. Please come and fill me with your Spirit. Give me the strength to carry on. Thanks for calling me your child. Thank you that my sister is with you in realms of glory and that I'll be going home to you someday and that Lib is just saving my spot. Help me Lord, I am so weak. In the powerful name of Jesus I pray, Amen.