Most days I think, Hm, that would be good to post on my blog... but I never get a moment to do it. Maybe it's a philosophical thought on life or a great quote from a book I'm reading or something cute the kids said. Or maybe it's major like surgery or whatever... the point is I can't keep up. I'm trying... and failing miserably.
even now i'm interrupted... peter has been crying most of the night...
i barely have a moment to think, much less express my thoughts.
“A Chinese proverb i like is, The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
There are so many what ifs and if onlys I struggle with. I beat myself up over things I have done or didn't do in my past. But the point is the moment. The moment is now. How am I choosing to live my life right now. Instead of beating myself up over things I've not been able to do I want to focus on the good changes that are happening and I see.
Things have been tense between Mike and I. We're both stressed out and exhausted and we have different personalities. Add many children, some of whom have very special needs. So there has been an increase in conflict... naturally :) But the good thing is we're working on resolving things faster, trying to communicate better, listening to each other and truly hearing the other, and asking for forgiveness quickly. Does it mean we don't have heated arguments still? No. They are definitely present... but I also see the Lord working in us.
I am blessed to have a husband like Mike. He lays down his life continuously for me and the kids. On days when he's home he will often let me get some extra sleep. He's willing to change diapers, throw in a load of laundry, do dishes, feed and bathe the kids, pick out clothes and dress the kids. He's no perfect. He has his faults. BUT I love him and am thankful for him.
I have an issue where I hold onto guilt for things I shouldn't feel guilt over. I get upset if I don't get thank you notes written and sent out. Or beating myself up for not cleaning out the car. I don't like my limitations... I wish I could be a room mom and school and help plan parties for the kids classes, etc. I would love to write long extensive thoughts into a journal.
Basically when you dig down deep what you will see is someone who strives for perfection. I want things to be just so. Everything should be in place and perfect. I need to be as efficient as possible. I can't make mistakes. I stress over silly things.
And once again God is stripping me of my perfectionism.... and showing me my desire for control. He is lovingly reminding me that I am just one person and I can't do it all nor can I be all. He's faithfully helping me to trust Him... and that in my weakness He is strong. That still baffles me. So I trust... and I hope. I ask God to keep me in his palm. I'm asking Him to help me let go of the things that aren't from Him. False guilt and condemnation. Hopelessness and despair. I can only do that which is set before me and no more.
I can't keep up with all the laundry, dishes, house chores, the tasks for school, appointments for doctors, dentists, etc. All the paperwork and bills... and the list goes on.
As I was recently reminded, my day was a success because my kids were fed, clothed, meds given and alive. It's a good day. All the rest is icing on the cake.
So yeah, for now I'm not titling my posts and I don't have labels going on at the end of my post... and it's okay.
My room is a mess. It's strewn with wrapping paper and tissue and boxes and bags. My dresser is broken and so my clothes are in boxes. In the laundry room there are clean clothes in baskets waiting to be folded.... and piles more waiting to be washed. A bag of trash sits on my side of the bed.
The kitchen is full of dishes. There are crumbs and dirt and goldfish and graham crackers and spilled milk in most every carpet and crevice. The kitchen floor is filthy. The playroom is a mess. The dining room is covered in an assortment of leftover breakfast dishes from this morning...
Anyway, you get the picture.
The point is it's okay. My hope doesn't lie in those things. My approval doesn't lie in those things. My worth doesn't lie in those things. It doesn't come from outside... not my appearance or that of my home or my husband or my children. It doesn't come from my circumstances. It comes from Jesus. He is the One who knows the heart... He sees into my soul. He gently is reminding me that He is enough. He loves me and has a plan for me. Even in the midst of this craziness and chaos... over the tears, the messes, the disappointments, the overwhelming, crushing schedule and life full of friction, tension, and discouragement... He is there. He promises to never leave or forsake me and I hold onto that. I hold onto the fact that He is my Saviour... He is my Redeemer. He lives... He has and will continue to finish His good work in me... He will restore me. He will heal me. He will bind up the brokenhearted...
So as I weep tonight, clutching a screaming infant I hold onto Him. I cling to His promises. I know I'm the closest to Hell that I will ever be... and I have the hope of Heaven to look forward to.
I'm letting go of my unrealistic expectations. I'm breaking free of the image of a perfect life and having it all together. I'm trying to rejoice and be grateful for all the little things and big things He has given me and provided for me. I am so blessed.
Am I scared and fearful at times? Of course. Do I battle anxiety? Definitely. But I'm holding onto Him. and I know He will never let me go...
even now i'm interrupted... peter has been crying most of the night...
i barely have a moment to think, much less express my thoughts.
“A Chinese proverb i like is, The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
There are so many what ifs and if onlys I struggle with. I beat myself up over things I have done or didn't do in my past. But the point is the moment. The moment is now. How am I choosing to live my life right now. Instead of beating myself up over things I've not been able to do I want to focus on the good changes that are happening and I see.
Things have been tense between Mike and I. We're both stressed out and exhausted and we have different personalities. Add many children, some of whom have very special needs. So there has been an increase in conflict... naturally :) But the good thing is we're working on resolving things faster, trying to communicate better, listening to each other and truly hearing the other, and asking for forgiveness quickly. Does it mean we don't have heated arguments still? No. They are definitely present... but I also see the Lord working in us.
I am blessed to have a husband like Mike. He lays down his life continuously for me and the kids. On days when he's home he will often let me get some extra sleep. He's willing to change diapers, throw in a load of laundry, do dishes, feed and bathe the kids, pick out clothes and dress the kids. He's no perfect. He has his faults. BUT I love him and am thankful for him.
I have an issue where I hold onto guilt for things I shouldn't feel guilt over. I get upset if I don't get thank you notes written and sent out. Or beating myself up for not cleaning out the car. I don't like my limitations... I wish I could be a room mom and school and help plan parties for the kids classes, etc. I would love to write long extensive thoughts into a journal.
Basically when you dig down deep what you will see is someone who strives for perfection. I want things to be just so. Everything should be in place and perfect. I need to be as efficient as possible. I can't make mistakes. I stress over silly things.
And once again God is stripping me of my perfectionism.... and showing me my desire for control. He is lovingly reminding me that I am just one person and I can't do it all nor can I be all. He's faithfully helping me to trust Him... and that in my weakness He is strong. That still baffles me. So I trust... and I hope. I ask God to keep me in his palm. I'm asking Him to help me let go of the things that aren't from Him. False guilt and condemnation. Hopelessness and despair. I can only do that which is set before me and no more.
I can't keep up with all the laundry, dishes, house chores, the tasks for school, appointments for doctors, dentists, etc. All the paperwork and bills... and the list goes on.
As I was recently reminded, my day was a success because my kids were fed, clothed, meds given and alive. It's a good day. All the rest is icing on the cake.
So yeah, for now I'm not titling my posts and I don't have labels going on at the end of my post... and it's okay.
My room is a mess. It's strewn with wrapping paper and tissue and boxes and bags. My dresser is broken and so my clothes are in boxes. In the laundry room there are clean clothes in baskets waiting to be folded.... and piles more waiting to be washed. A bag of trash sits on my side of the bed.
The kitchen is full of dishes. There are crumbs and dirt and goldfish and graham crackers and spilled milk in most every carpet and crevice. The kitchen floor is filthy. The playroom is a mess. The dining room is covered in an assortment of leftover breakfast dishes from this morning...
Anyway, you get the picture.
The point is it's okay. My hope doesn't lie in those things. My approval doesn't lie in those things. My worth doesn't lie in those things. It doesn't come from outside... not my appearance or that of my home or my husband or my children. It doesn't come from my circumstances. It comes from Jesus. He is the One who knows the heart... He sees into my soul. He gently is reminding me that He is enough. He loves me and has a plan for me. Even in the midst of this craziness and chaos... over the tears, the messes, the disappointments, the overwhelming, crushing schedule and life full of friction, tension, and discouragement... He is there. He promises to never leave or forsake me and I hold onto that. I hold onto the fact that He is my Saviour... He is my Redeemer. He lives... He has and will continue to finish His good work in me... He will restore me. He will heal me. He will bind up the brokenhearted...
So as I weep tonight, clutching a screaming infant I hold onto Him. I cling to His promises. I know I'm the closest to Hell that I will ever be... and I have the hope of Heaven to look forward to.
I'm letting go of my unrealistic expectations. I'm breaking free of the image of a perfect life and having it all together. I'm trying to rejoice and be grateful for all the little things and big things He has given me and provided for me. I am so blessed.
Am I scared and fearful at times? Of course. Do I battle anxiety? Definitely. But I'm holding onto Him. and I know He will never let me go...
Comments