Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Slimy Pits & Other Issues

Yesterday, I stumbled out of bed to help Mike with the kids. I made lunches and crawled into bed muttering apologies that I could not do more. I spent all day in bed with a migraine. Movement. Light. Anything really and I thought I was going to throw up. My head felt pierced through like a bolt was going through my head.

I have been very blessed to have few migraines. And I have such compassion for those who struggle with them regularly. They are debilitating. And when they strike I feel like I just want to die.

I couldn't eat all day until evening. And then I was ravenous and overate and felt sick to my stomach.

I wept on and off through the evening. Watching movies with Mike and pausing them, off and on, to talk about grief.

After he fell asleep I punished myself with eating again. It made me sick and I realized I wanted my body to feel how I felt inside. disgusting. Tortured. In pain. Broken.
Sigh.

I've got issues.

The rational side of myself can look at this and say, "stop it. Don't do this.  You're not helping anything with destructive behavior." But the other side of me doesn't care and can't pull myself out of myself. Help. I've fallen into a hole and I can't crawl out.

I cry out with the Psalmist.

Psalm 40[a]
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
I waited patiently for the Lord;

    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.
Blessed is the one

    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

    but my ears you have opened[c]
    burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require.
Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.[e]
I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”
I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;

    I do not seal my lips, Lord,
    as you know.
10 
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
    I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
    from the great assembly.
11 
Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;

    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 
For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
13 
Be pleased to save me, Lord;
    come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 
May all who want to take my life

    be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
    be turned back in disgrace.
15 
May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
    be appalled at their own shame.
16 
But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”
17 
But as for me, I am poor and needy;

    may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    you are my God, do not delay.


No comments: