The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. (Psalm 27:1,3-5)
I am trying to fight the fear that cripples me. Like Much Afraid in the book Hind's Feet on High Places I am crippled. I often let my fears rule me and base my decisions on those feelings... what a horrible cycle. I am learning to break free. To cry out to my creator and say, "Help me!" I am learning that He is more powerful than my fears.
After my sister's death I began to experience the debilitating affect of panic attacks. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. I just remember feeling like I was about to die and that the most mundane simple things would trigger it. I could barely cook. I could barely get out of the bed in the morning. I remember driving to work and becoming nauseaous, I would break into sweat and my heart rate would escalate and I would breathe so hard and fast I thought I would pass out. Thankfully over time these episodes decreased... until recently.
I am battling the fear that wants to take hold of me. The voice that tells me that I can't do it. That I won't make it. That I'm a horrible mom, wife, friend, daughter, and whatever other role I play. "Failure, failure..." rings in my head, drowning out the truth I know. I have these ideas of perfection that I want to attain and unless I achieve perfection than all is lost... so my thoughts say. But it's not true.
Right now one of my focuses is to do small things, break my tasks into small easier to swallow chunks and be realistic. All this "get everything done in a day" just isn't going to happen. I'm starting to take Scripture and slowly memorize, read, and absorb it. I want to hide God's Word in my heart. I am trying to realize that it's okay to be imperfect, and it's okay to make mistakes. I'm learning to give myself grace and not just to those around me. I'm learning to love myself because God loves me and finds me valuable and important and to care for what He's given me. My house may never be fully in order, my birthday cards might not get mailed out on time...and you know what it's okay. I'm learning to let go of the things that hold me down: the clutter in my mind, body, soul... and even the clutter in the house. I'm asking God to transform me... to take me to the mounts of High Places and to give me a new name.... to take me from being Much Afraid to being called Grace and Glory.
It's my prayer that I wouldn't get so caught up in the things that don't matter and that my mind would be changed from the concerns I have to the things that God is concerned about. May I be made more into His likeness... into His image. May I know the Perfect Love that casts out fear. I hope also to enjoy the things that matter to... like loving my children and my neighbors. Showing kindness. Spending time with my children and my husband. Loving those around me and reflecting Christ.
Well, enough said for now. May Christ rule in our hearts and give us peace. Amen.