April 7th


Sometimes silence is a dangerous thing. I find myself left alone with my thoughts to prey on me and am fighting to not give into my feelings but to cling to truth. We’re still working on getting internet at the house which is why my posts have been infrequent at best as of late.
I was in the hospital Wednesday night and released Thursday morning only to return Thursday night and again be released on Friday afternoon. My contractions have been a minimum of every 4-5 minutes and a maximum of every 2-3 minutes. Thankfully I am only 1-2 cm. dilated. These contractions have not been “productive” in changing my cervix which is why I am at home.
I am tired… big surprise there ☺ But I have made it to 31 weeks. Can I get an Amen?
Do you ever find the pressures and stresses of daily life began to just eat away at you? Samuel has pink eye but our insurance isn’t switched so we can’t just take him to the doctor. So does this mean another trip to CHKD to wait hours so they can just give him some medicine so we can go home? Mike’s car passed inspection in January in PA but he was ticketed on his way down to be with me at the hospital because he needs it to be VA inspected. Sigh.
And then there’s the other stuff. You know. The bills and laundry and dishes. Trying to figure out why the internet is not working. Having to try and get reimbursed for medicine from the insurance company. Potty training. Cranky children. Disciplining. Laughing. Crying. And everything in between.
We found out on Easter that the job Mike thought he would be starting in May fell through. In a way I am excited to see what God would provide for us now. I’m glad that we’re in a place of continual dependence on Him and not trusting and putting our security in a job. But the idea of having a steady, reliable income is also something that sounded nice. It changes things for us and the hopes of buying a new crib or getting "new" clothes well, it's not there. And it's okay. I guess God is continuing to grow me in contentment.

I found out some pretty devastating news on Saturday night. My dear Aunt Jo (JoAnne) has an extremely rare cancer of the blood. I cried myself to sleep Saturday night. Sunday morning I cried so hard I began throwing up. Combination of sobbing and throwing up for a while. My aunt is determined to fight and I am so proud of her as she places her hope and trust in God. I wish I was as strong as her. I just feel emotionally weak and a bit angry. Why do these things happen? Why is there not a let up? And yet, I realized for the first time just how much I loved my Aunt. I never realized she was THAT precious to me. I took so much for granted. May I never take others for granted. The lives around me are so precious and can be gone in a moment. God drawing me to Himself again and again.
Stupid me asked God to continue to strengthen my faith and to help me to continue be dependent on Him. I guess He’s answering my prayer. What was I expecting? Strength without trials? Joy without growth? Being drawn closer to Him is often a very painful process.
At the same time our God has been so merciful to show me that He is answering our prayers. He provided a pack n' play that we'll use as a bassinet for the boys in the beginning. He has provided lots of help! My house is really in order considering we've been here less than a month. When I'm allowed to move around more I promise I will put up pictures of my adorable home. I really love it. It's been so amazing having so much SPACE!
so even when I whine and complain God is faithful! He is not limited by me. He is not constrained by my sin. He is not worried about my attitude... He's bigger than that. He's continuing to refine me and change me! Praise the Lord. And He comes even into my brokenness. Even in the sorrow He is present. He doesn't promise a pain-free life... but He does promise His presence. So I will rejoice. Rejoice in Him and this day. I will embrace the life He has given with all its joys and sorows. With all the brilliance and all the mundane. He is there.

Comments

Lizzy said…
Jenn ~ i was tremendously encouraged by this post (as I always am), but something about your thoughts on God's not being "thrown" by our weakness and sin struggles in the closing few paragraphs really struck a cord within my heart. Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed to hear it. love you girl!
Judy said…
Oh, I hear ya girl! And yes, you can get an AMEN... AMEN. :) Hang in there...

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