Morning Reflections.

I woke up this morning to my son screaming in my ear. Screaming through the monitor. For a while it was actually a part of the dream I was having and then slowly very slowly I realized it wasn't a dream; it was my son. So I woke up abruptly with a raging headache and pulled myself out of bed. I got to the kid's bedroom and listened. Not a peep. I opened the door and could see him peacefully sleeping. What a mean prank. I get back in bed. He starts yelling again. It's like he knows the moment I'm in bed. So now I'm sitting downstairs with a few minutes of wake-up time before the kids wake. My headache is still there and I can hear the rain outside.

I had been trying to contemplate why I have such a bad headache and then I remembered. I had cried myself to sleep last night; missing my sister so bad I could hardly breathe. It doesn't go away. The pain of loss is still fresh, still present, still heavy on my mind. Sometimes I'm able to push it back, to keep it under control. Other moments overwhelm me too much to not give in. It is often when I am lying in bed talking to Mike that I feel vulnerable enough to cry. I still can't cry as hard as I want to or as long as I need to like I could when she first died. Now I feel more like a fish gulping for air but I can control the body-wracking type sobs. I hold it in. Mike encourages me not to but I don't let it out. It's as though I fear that if I do the grief would be all-consuming and would never let me go.

I often think of the cousins my children are missing. first there was Sam. I imagine him loving my daughter and them being the best of friends. I know my sister loved children and I know she probably would have had at least one more by now, if not two. It's hard to imagine at times what life would have been like if she lived but I think so often of the ways I'm robbed by her not living. I missed her like crazy at the family reunion. I miss not talking to her on the phone. She always had a way of encouraging me and whenever I was crying knew how to make me laugh.

One of the things that continually breaks my heart is Libby (my daughter) having no friends. Everytime we are in the doctor's office or go to a play ground and she sees children she says, "my friends." She has Samuel which is a wonderful help but she has no one her age or older to play with or learn from. I'm almost tempted at times to put her in the nursery school at church during the week just so she could spend several mornings a week for a couple hours with other children. I have no idea how much it costs but it would be nice just for her to experience being around other kids.

When Mike is finished with his Master's the main plan would be to go to the U.K. (United Kingdom) for his Ph.D. In thinking about it we have discussed a little bit the idea of our children's education. When asked by someone if we would homeschool while we were over there I realized that I didn't want to if there was no community for it. I want my children to be able to interact with other kids. I don't want them to be alone and isolated in another country. It's very strange to even THINK about. We probably won't even be over there till the fall of '09 at the earliest. Which would put Libby as an almost 5 year old and Samuel at age 3 1/2.

As you can see my thoughts are scattered about this morning. I better make a cup of tea before this day wears on. My mom recently gave me a cute mug that has a picture of a tea bag on it and it says "Steep". I love it, especially as a tea drinker.

May this day be a day of peace. May this day be filled with joy in spite of the gloomy weather. May this day be a day of rest.


Michelle said…
I love you! I can't wait to give you a squeeze in a few day!
Ashleigh said…
Whenever we are out Olivia calls all the kids she sees anywhere her friends. Sounds like Libby. Fortunately, she has a few friends here that we try to get together with either once a week or once every couple of weeks. But Ted and I are considering putting her into preschool a couple days a week next year (we can't do it financially this year) simply because we know she'd LOVE it. So we are right there with you in that wanting our kids to have more time with other kids their age.

We do plan on homeschooling, but we're blessed to be at a church where there's a large homeschooling community.

Anyway, I'm praying for you dear friend as you continue to miss your sister, Libby. I can't even imagine ...
Anonymous said…
Hello! I miss you. I haven't seen you in the longest time, but I love to see what you and the family are up to! Just to let you know I miss Libby more than ever. I think about her daily. She was truly my kindred spirit. I love you and am praying for the Lord to give you strength daily and sufficient grace!!!
Anonymous said…
Hey Jennifer - thinking of you after reading your post. I hope you do find that the day is working out to be one of peace and joy and rest. I think you are doing great getting through the days without your sister - hang in there...

And you KNOW that if you guys do end up coming to the UK, not only will I be celebrating (!), but you already have friends, and what with the kids work and all, I know lots of will-be-five-year olds that Miss Libby will just love - and they will adore her right back! There isn't a homeschool community here at all, but the churches here all over the place, wherever in the UK you may end up, have loads of different opportunities to work with the kids as they go through state school - plus, lots of schools here work with a Christian ethos - if not full curriculum - or are "church schools" related to one of the local congregations, with Christian teaching in assemblies etc. It works quite differently over here.... If you guys ever get that far I have so many friends who can help you negotiate that particular minefield!

Miss you - take care of your precious self... xx
erin. said…
Thanks Jennifer for always sharing openly. It is honestly so hope-giving because of your trust and joy in the Lord even in trials. I'd love to be able to write the way you do! Keep it up cause I love it...I connect with what you're saying and am so often encouraged!!
Jenn said…

I love your blog! Thank you for your kindness to me. I hope you have had a good day. Love you!!
Anonymous said…
Oh I am praying for you.

About the friend thing I have had a very similar experience with Seth and Mel encouraged me to pray for friends for him but also look for reasons why God might be withholding friends at this point in his life. When I look at him I see how kind he is now to others no matter what they are like or how old they are (he doesn't have that I am older than you and can't play with you attitude). He also says Jude is his best friend which has taken time (he used to say he wished God would take him back to heaven) but like you are remarking about your sister and your friendship with her maybe God is working on Libby's Friendship with Samuel. When I watch Seth and Jude now I am so grateful for their friendship. I also see things in Seth's personality and character that at 6 years old I highly admire. Things I don't think would be there if he had a lot of friends and spent less time around his family. I know it is hard though. I have cried at times wanting a little friend for Seth. So hang in there and try to look at the positive. Don't worry about will worry about itself

Big hugs

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