When All Hell Breaks Loose...

It's been one of those days that I wish I could have just skipped. Bear in mind that to you this day is not going to probably sound that horrible or dreadful but to me my emotions kept me feeling like a woman on the brink of insanity. Let me also say that I am aware that I have so MUCH to be grateful for. That I'm a blessed woman and this is mostly an over reaction.

With all that being said, I really lost it today. I lost what little of my mind that I had left. The kids were fine this morning but it was just those little things. I started the day off feeling panicky and out of control. Mike helped me so much by hanging up some pictures and installing a broom and mop holder in the kitchen pantry. It was just a feeling of general stress and being overwhelmed. Samuel had an appointment with his physical thereapist at 11:30 today. Mike was running around and gathering dirty laundtry to be taken to the laundromat. I was bathing the kids before Lori (the therapist) arrived. I felt discouraged by the words that were meant to be encouaraging. Samuel hasn't made much progress. The good thing is this means his monthly appointments with her will be moved to weekly (the desire of my heart). But I was still sad and frustrated. Samuel just doesn't want to walk yet. Lori is a wonderful means of encouragement. She's a Christian and she's also a part of our church. I can tell she really cares about my son and is really working with him to help him him walk.

Libby was supposed to be napping during this time but was yelling and screaming "booger" through the monitor. I grabbed her and finished the session with Lori and Samuel. He went down for a nap and I spent the next hour and a half trying to coax Libby into eating her PB&J. Left me frustrated. She finally went down for a nap (without lunch). I made myself lunch and tried to finish knitting a scarf. Samuel wakes up. I feed him and manage to keep knitting while passing graham crackers to him to munch. I'm tired, my head hurts and I feel overwhelmed. I need to get groceries. I need to make sure I have everything for the girls' spa night (tomorrow). I try to put Samuel down again. No luck. He and Libby are both screaming. I get them and try to coerce Libby to eat her sandwich. Discipline soon follows. Samuel knocks over the cup of tea I had been trying to drink since 9 in the morning. Thankfully it's cold (it's now 4 p.m.) but I had still hoped to some how finish it. The remains of the tea are all over the diaper bag and carpet. Libby's sandwich remains untouched. Mike's on his way home with his brother John in tow. They were just getting back from the airport.

I don't remember what the final straw was but I left the kids in my husbands' able and willing hands and walked out the door. Into my car. Tears streaming down my face. What is my problem? Why can't I keep it together? I feel so out of control. I feel alone, frustrated and forsaken. After a good conversation with a friend the tears subside. She's encouraged my heart by her listening and understanding. She doesn't offer pat answers or make excuses or even tell me I'm wrong. She just reminds me that it's okay to be desperate. That I'm not the only one who has asked these questions of God. She encouraged me to look at Psalm 73 and kind of soak in it for a while. I hung up the phone feeling a breath of grace. I had two unsucessful attempts at my errand. I was trying to get my nose pierced and the places I went didn't do it or were closed. Pierced nose you might ask? It's not a whim. I've been wanting to for about 7 years now and I decided for my 27th birthday that was what I was going to do. So, now I know who I need to call and make an appt. with....

I spilled soup on my white blouse. I still have a screaming headache. But somehow I know it's going to be all right. I still have groceries to buy and I still feel sad and depressed and forlorn, but I am reminded that I am not forsaken. I have been questioning God lately. Wondering where He was when my sister died. Wondering why my son had to come prematurely. Wondering where certain people were when I desperately needed them. I've been jealous of others, comparing myself with their lives and situations. Frustrated that they don't experience a son who has yet to walk or really talk at 18 months. Afraid because I wonder if God can really save me from myself. Is He big enough to hold me in the storms? Is He strong enough to deal with my weaknesses? Is He able? Will He be there when I need Him? Can He truly heal me?

This is my answer... I know that I've put it on my blog before but I need it again...

Psalm 73
1A psalm of Asaph.
Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity [b] ;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
11 They say, "How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?"
12 This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.
13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.
15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 As a dream when one awakes,
so when you arise, O Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

So amazingly enough, even when all hell breaks loose in my heart. He is there. I am not forsaken. I don't have all the answers. I doubt I ever will. But I am continuing to put my hope in Him. I have hope that He can change me, heal me, and hopefully make me more into His image.


Ashleigh said…
Oh, Jennifer. I've had several days recently where emotionally things seem so hard to handle. And many times it's the little things like the ears on a stuffed dog I'm sewing not coming out like the pattern shows they should. Although, some things seem bigger like a project I'm working on getting a lot of "no's" recently. It just seems that life can be so discouraging at times. Yet, in the midst of the discouragement we do have hope as you talked about because we aren't forsaken. When things don't make sense and we don't understand why we are walking through it, He's right there guiding us through the difficulty. Thanks for reminding me of this. :-) I'm praying tomorrow is a much better day for you.
Anonymous said…
Hey Jennifer - thanks again for your vulnerability on this blog and really saying how it is. Just reading what you wrote was like reading one of the psalms, brutal in its honesty, confusion and questioning, and yet with a foundation of faith in the midst of it all. So many people have said it before in their comments, but your journey, painful as it sometimes is, is so inspirational and challenging, and you are a huge blessing...

And be encouraged - from everything you write it is so evident that you really are being made more into His image even if you don't always see it - your growing in self-awareness and dependency on God for your strength, your ability to seek wise counsel and your return again and again to God's word - all of which are demonstrated in this post - to name a few...

Hang in there - and hope today is full of smiles - love ya xxx
Michelle said…
Anonymous said…
Oh Jen,

I wish we lived closer so somedays I could rescue you from the kids more or I could grab you and take you out for a fun day,,,,,lunch and shopping or getting manicures......

Reality is, He plans our days. We are His sheep. Our job is to follow hard and fast after Him. You are doing that. With our, sins which are no surprise to Him, in tow.........He loves us, watches over us. Cares for us. How kind that your friend gave you such a wonderful gift of PS 73 a true friend who knows the Truth and speaks it in love.

I don't have answers or reasons why you have walked through such challenging events.......but God is using you and your challenges to mold you and influence others........this BLOG is a major example. I cannot tell you how many times I read it and think upon a comment and often a Scripture and reflect and examine my own heart attitudes and want to experience more growth and change....to see my sin and deal with it, not push it aside. So many of your friends are in the midst of the struggles that you face daily.....kids, discipline, no time, little money, too much month not enough time with your husband, rebelliousness in the kids, and in yourself......not being satisfied with what we do have instead of what we think we deserve.....I am saying this to me........we all struggle with many if not all and more. And don't you have some wonderful times with the kids, Mike, friends, and those times you get to slip away for a quiet moment or so. Being able to freely express what is in your heart will help us all recognize that we need to be aware of what is in our heart..........the situations just reveal it. You are growing in Grace and Stature......love and kindness and awareness.....when we can recognize our own sins, it can bring a heart of compassion to others who are struggling with sin, too. I love you Jen. Can;t wait to see you next week........or when you get back.
Anonymous said…
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Bethany said…
EVERy mom has those days....if she says she doesn't she is lying. and we all have trials and hardships they just come in different forms. but remember God only gives us what we can handle.........so you must be pretty special and one tough cookie. i remember reading in beside still waters that if you are growing as a christian than your trials should be increasing as you move toward heaven because you are growing and able to handle more....
well my baby needs me so i gotta run but just think California california california you have a break and it is coming you have something to look forward too.

Wendy said…
Jenn, You are amazing! I am afraid that while I have those days I don't respond the way you do. I have the tears, doubt, and questions, but I forget about the grace. Thanks.

And I just want to say that as a mom of premature twins who didn't walk until 16 mon and didn't talk until 3 yrs, I understand your desperate panic at times. I don't know Samuel's story and I don't know how he has been doing lately, but I do know that one thing that helped me was to know that not only does God give us what we can handle, but he created Samuel too. He knows every one of his days and what they hold and he is working in Samuel just like he is working in you.

If you ever have any questions or just want to talk premie mom to premie mom please feel free to email or leave a note on my blog. I would love to give specific prayer and share our experience for what it would be worth. But please no pressure if you have someone you are able to get this perspective with then I thank God for his provision to you.

You are a great mom and it is evident that God is being glorified in your home even on the days that are more hellish!
Love ya chick!

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