Thursday, September 02, 2010

Being Drawn.

Why don't you sit down and have a beer with me. Well, it's a root beer, I'm drinking but it's IBC so that makes it okay :)

How in the world am I supposed to "make my life work?" I don't know how to juggle the twins and Libby and Samuel. I don't know how to do the back and forth from the hospital... trying to find time for my husband... managing school next week... dealing with Ian (bec. he's not accepted to go to school at Grassfield Elementary)... care for the house... take it easy so I don't go into labor... and then manage a newborn when he comes.


I'm a planner. I like organization. I like to see things done neatly and orderly and properly. I'm a first-born, type A personality for goodness sakes! So, how do we do it when we're only given the next day at a time?

I feel like God's trying to draw my heart. He's reminding me of the Israelites and the Manna in the desert. He met their daily needs. I think He wants to remind me of that. And it's hard. Because once again I have to trust Him... and I'm kind of tired of it. I mean, aren't I already doing that with Samuel's cancer? Aren't I doing that with so many other things? But He's stretching my faith and making me deeper. And after a good long exhausted cry and an equally long nap I felt better today.

Is anything fixed? Nope. Do I have life "planned" out? Nope. Just tomorrow. In the meantime I have to rejoice in the AMAZING ways God is taking care of us daily. People to bring Mike breakfast or lunch at just the right times. People able to watch the kids for me. Favor at school- Libby seems to have a WONDERFUL teacher! I had purchased all my school supplies prior to Samuel being admitted in the hospital. Friends kidnapping and taking me out to dinner- thank you SKIBS! Friends driving across the country (literally) to help.

God has provided school clothes for Libby. We found the other lens to Michael's glasses so he once again has functioning glasses. A house full of groceries, clean water and air-conditioning. Vehicles donated to us! Aleya, Michael's caregiver, in our life... who is not some glorified babysitter but family! Starbucks coffee at just the right times.

So God's miraculous provision is happening all around us. I just have to open my eyes to see it. Am I still scared of the future? Absolutely. That's why I trust God for today. And tomorrow I will trust Him for that day.

Hurricane Earl is supposed to hit sometime tonight. The storms of this life seem to already have been hitting us... and continuing to do us... but I know God holds us. I know He's not letting go. I'm tempted to give up and jump into a pit of despair. But He's reminding me, "Jennifer, I am here. I promised I would never leave or forsake you. Trust me." And so my little tiny mustard seed faith is there. It's not big or mighty or pretentious. It's humble and weak and practically shattered but the point is it's present. It's still there... as small as it is.

So friends keep praying. This is a tiring journey and I already am weary. I feel super pregnant and super exhausted. Mike's tired. At times we're so overwhelmed and often our hearts feel on the verge of breaking. We need our Big Daddy God to sustain us.

Another thing I was just reminded of... God is reminding me that I'm not alone. That He's given me friends and siblings in Christ to gather around us and comfort us... and to hold up our arms when they're drooping and to cry with us and laugh with us. So thanks for being there. Thanks for the comments you leave on my blog or the personal e-mails or FB messages you send or signing the guestbook on CaringBridge. It really helps. Thanks for being one of God's many ways of ministering to us.

So another swig of root beer and it's off to bed. Yawn. tomorrow is a new day...


Hannah Leilani said...

Oh dear one...I love you so so so much. I am praying for you and your sweet family. Thank you for all your encouragement. You INSPIRE me Jen Napier!

Caren said...

I am praying for you...thank you for sharing the spiritual journey with us too...its very inspiring. I hope one day you will write a book. I will buy it and one for all my friends :) I love you!

Wasko Family said...

Love you and praying for you. Let us know when you are taking visitors. We'd love to see Samuel. You are in our thoughts and prayers more than you can imagine! Hugs to you Jenn!

Kelsey said...