Not okay.

Last night was peaceful for Samuel. I didn't get much sleep though. I kept waking up and rolling from side to side. Okay, more like heaving myself from side to side over again and again. But otherwise all was fine.

He threw up several times this morning and was a bit groggy but he picked up in the afternoon.

There's a special time vacuum being in the hospital. The hours are sucked away and you're left wondering what day it is and if it's day or night and what is going on.

Picked up some books to read to Libby about cancer.

Feeling ready to scream. I'm just frustrated. Tired of the hospital. Tired of being apart from Mike. Tired of Samuel being in pain. Tired of feeling so helpless.

It's hard to let tension out when you can't exercise and you can't beat anyone up :)

So I'm working on "constructive" ways to release stress.

My life is overwhelming. Don't tell me it's going to be okay. Don't tell me I'm going to make it. I just need to write this out. To get my words "down on paper" and hopefully just breathe.

My days and nights blend. Our routine is ravaged. I feel guilt not being at the hospital. I feel guilt not being at home. I feel guilt for not being enough.

That's when I say, "Okay God. I surrender. You take it. You do it. You fill in the gaps. You meet the needs. I'm empty, dry and broken with nothing to offer... but you are Big, Mighty and Sustaining."

I don't know what I want. Cry? Maybe. Go to sleep. Sure, I can always use the rest. But it's this restlessness that runs deep in me. That leaves me twitching and pacing inside. It's hard to not let it consume me. And when you actually have time on your hands how do you use it? To do paperwork? To go grocery shopping? To catch up with a friend? I don't know.

I think my heart is looking for something that will satisfy. Something that tells me in the end it will all be okay. The problem is I know it's not here. I'm not THERE yet. I'm not on the other side of this. And I'm definitely not on the other side of eternity. My hope doesn't lie in my problems being solved in the here and now. It doesn't rest in a peaceful life full of health and prosperity. Nor does it come from myself. My hope comes from the Lord and the promises He's made and has promised to fulfill. The Hope of Jesus and Heaven. The Hope that THIS world is NOT my home.

Eager to be in that dwelling. But for now, while I'm here, I try to rest and trust. Try to cling to Jesus and beg Him to sustain me through His spirit. Try to let go of all my failings and imperfections. And in the end hopefully just stop trying and just be.