thoughts..

I don't know how many of you have ever been in a crisis before... but let me explain if you never have... sometimes you can just be uber-irritable. It's funny things that would just mildly bug you before become the worst things ever. The temptation to want to smack people increases a 100 fold with each passing day. It takes a lot of self-control and patience to not lose it with people. And then it makes me annoyed with myself that I'm acting this way... that I let everything get under my skin. That everytime someone cuts me off in traffic or bumps my physical person, or is just mildly rude makes me want to errupt like a volcano.

The kids start school next week and I feel so unready for life. I have school supplies and backpacks, etc. I've gotten the transportation situation under control. But I just don't feel... I don't know... like life should be progressing yet.

Samuel's still in the hospital and will continue to be for a while. The house feels hollow without him at home. So I guess it doesn't feel like school should start because he won't be there.... he's not ready to be at home or school yet.

Samuel's sleeping comfortably at the moment. They put him back on continuous morphine because the bolus doses weren't cutting it. His "infected" area seems to clear up so he doesn't need a new central line... Thank God.

I miss having Mike around. He's such a source of stability for me. At times I feel like a single mom trying to get schedules and kids under control and do administrative stuff on top of it all. Sleeping alone. No one to talk to late at night before I got to bed or to rub my back when it hurts... or to hold and cry...

I'm tired. I'm weary. I just plain want this to all be done. I want to go home. I want Samuel to go home. I want everything to be okay and be whatever kind of "normal" we had going before this. My heart breaks and my tummy hurts and there's nothing that can fix it except for God.

And then the thoughts stalk me... what if this never gets fixed. What if we never go back to "normal". What if, what if, what if. I have to capture these wild thoughts on a leash and submit them to God.

All the driving back and forth, going to and fro, all the eating when I can, whatever I can... all the heartache... it's in His hands.

I hate the thought of Samuel losing his hair. I know it's coming. I know I'm not ready... but the truth is I will never "be ready" for this. That's okay. I was so disheartened when I realized he could lose his eyebrows and eyelashes as well. I hadn't thought of that.

I've always loved his hair... every bit of it. The expression from his eyebrows, his long beautiful eyelashes, his thick brown hair that's tinted with blonde from the summer.

Libby has drawn a picture of Samuel in the hospital bed on the Doodle Pad. She wants to show it to Samuel when he wakes up. She and I had some time together... a date at Panera Bread and a trip to Starbucks. She loves coming to see him in the hospital. Okay, not the "in the hospital" part but seeing Samuel. It does my heart good to see them interact. To see them play. To watch them make the other light up. She brought a cookie to share with him. She gives from her heart. She told me, "This will make Samuel feel loved."

He doesn't want to eat or drink lately. I'm watching the weight melt off him. It makes me sad.

so sorry this isn't a happy, upbeat post. But not all days are like that... yet God remains.