Fall on Jesus.

Right now I'm falling on Jesus. There is not much left to hold to. I don't want to sound dramatic and theatrical... I really am just at the end of myself. It's a good place and a hard place to be. This place where this is really nothing I can do but pray. Nothing tangible though. Mike and I need to be out of our place by November 30th. Yep. It's good we're going. I'm trying not to curse this place as we leave. Apparently after day 10 (our rent is due the 1st) you get processed to be evicted. Mike and I have had legal fees and charges placed against us. It's straightened out now but it's sad to me. Lynnewood is losing some good tenants. Yeah, we were late though we did pay the same month it was all due the rent, the late fees and this month's rent. I didn't know we would be penalized (besides late fees which we willingly paid). The charges are dropped but we owe legal fees. ha ha. They don't know this was the limit. We've gotta get out. We're not renewing our contract. We're going in faith. We need a place that's cheaper.

Mike needs a job. Desperately. A good paying part time job. Please pray with us that he will get that job I have mentioned before. It's only a 12 hour commitment a week and the pay is amazing. He still might get it but we're on edge. So we need a job and a place to live.

We also need God to intervene. We feel backed up against a wall with no way out. This means that God is going to do something pretty amazing- so look out people- we're going to have a heck of a story someday!

We have food in our cupboards right now and we have health insurance. We have a car that runs. Our children are sick but not deathly ill. And we have God. God is who big, and strong and mighty. Our God owns a cattle on a thousand hills. Our God is our provider. He is our Strength and our sustainer. Our God is faithful. He keeps His promises. He is not leaving or forsaking me.

In the world's eyes we are desperate. We are without much hope. Close to being homeless. Close to having nothing. But they're wrong. We have so much because we have God. I am blessed. Feeling a little crazy, very tired, very emotional but very blessed.

The song that was sung at my sister's funeral plays in my head: "Untitled Hymn" by Chris Rice.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

Right now I'm in the cry to Jesus, Fall on Jesus stage. But I know soon we'll be dancing. I know God will restore us. I know my life hasn't been or looked like what I thought it would. I thought I would have my sister and nephew alive. I thought Samuel would be born full-term and would be healthy with no seriosu health problems. I didn't know we would move to Philly or that Mike would get his Masters. I didn't know life would be hard and fraught with difficulty.

I was talking to Mike recently and kind of had a revelation. My trust in God is not based in what I think He's going to do for me. If my hope in God is based in thinking that He will keep me happy, healthy, and problem free then that's not faith or trust. Faith is trusting God whether good or bad befall you, whether things go according to plan or not, and believing Him even when tragedy strikes and troubles fall like rain. I am learning that God is in control and I can trust Him but I need to know that it doesn't mean things will happen the way I like it or when I like it. God is still good even though my sister is gone. God is good even though my son's health has been precarious. God is good even when I am facing a huge lack of resources, shelter, provision, and work. His being good is not defined by what I see as good. He defines good. He is good. I also know that He is my friend. He has compassion. He is storing my tears in a bottle. I know He is holding me and letting me cry... and that He even cries with me. He knows what it is to be flesh. He knows what it is to struggle. He's not trying to give me some quick answer or cliche response.

Libby was singing in the car yesterday, "My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's NOTHING my God can not do." That's what I'm choosing to believe.


Caren said…
I'm praying for you guys! It sucks that you have to move. God is in control, and He has an even better place for you. Keep us posted!
Ashleigh said…
Am praying, Jennifer.

Your post reminded me of the movie "Facing the Giants." In it the main characters determine that no matter what happens, even if God doesn't give them what they really, really hope for and if things don't go perfectly that they will continue to love and trust Him.
Catherine said…
Gosh, Jenn! Sorry to hear that. Hope you guys find something soon. Stinks.
Jenn said…
Jennifer, Your post encourages me so much. Thank you for shining His hope and light. You radiate God's goodness and faithfulness. I am provoked by your example in the not knowing ... one day we shall know in full! Love you
Anonymous said…
Dear Sister,

Have I told you lately how awesome you are?
I think you're straight-up awesome!

You're a woman who has prospects on many shores.

I always remember something you said to me, and it has helped me more times than I can remember, "God's not going to show you chocolate cake and then give you a graham cracker!"

I can't tell you how many times I've said that to people - and believed it for myself!

You're awesome.

I love you,

Uncle D
Ginger said…
Hi there-
I do use cloth. I buy chinease prefolds and use them with pins. THer are a million things to try out there but Ive always liked these. I buy them from softclothbunz.com- diaperjungle.com has lots of helpful info. I also use diaper covers of fleece and wool. (plastic isnt very good for the skin) I bought most of them off ebay because they can be pricey, or I buy my fleece covers from thecalicobaby.com..hope this is all helpful. My email is vmperron@yahoo.com if you have more questions
erin. said…
Jen, we are praying for God's provision for you guys!
Jessica Rockey said…
I remember stopping by the townhouse the week Libby died... you were going through her stuff and that song played on the radio. Wow! I wish I was there to just cry with you now. I miss you friend, I wish I could just make things better.
Anonymous said…
JL, this is an excellent post. This is an area where I know all of us can relate. Thank you for your honesty and humility in sharing the details of your life...

This post reminds me of when you were here in CA and we were having one of our talks about God and how He works in our lives... The thought that keeps coming back to my mind is: God is not bringing us to a place of less dependence on Him.

God has been showing me recently that I am ALWAYS trying to take more control of my life. I am always trying to figure out and fix my problems instead of just laying them at His feet.

I commend you for your active choice to trust God in these circumstances. It is so easy and yet so difficult for us to do this.

I know God will meet you in this season as He leads you through the wilderness. Remember your hope in Christ Jesus, my friend. Here are the lyrics from a worship song by Phat Fish that I hope will serve you well:

There is a day
That all creation's waiting for,
A day of freedom and liberation for the earth.
And on that day
The Lord will come to meet His bride,
And when we see Him
In an instant we'll be changed

The trumpet sounds
And the dead will then be raised
By His power,
Never to perish again.
Once only flesh,
Now clothed with immortality,
Death has now been
Swallowed up in victory

We will meet Him in the air
And then we will be like Him
For we will see Him, as He is
Oh yeah!
Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

So lift your eyes
To the things as yet unseen,
That will remain now
For all eternity.
Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's achieving
Our future glory.
Anonymous said…
Hey there

Once again it is a privilege to be part of you sharing such raw emotion given another difficult situation coming up in your life. And once again you end encouraging faith and trusting. Thank you!

I'm starting to realise that although I will happily pay lip service to trusting God, it's not so easy in practice. I'm seeing that I'll trust providing I know the outcome, or I'll hand things over to God if I can imagine what He'll do with them. Or I'll trust with the things I don't know what to do about, but where I can see a solution I'll tend to do it and pray later, assuming that must have been God all along, when I'm just kidding myself.

Being God-dependent is set of constant decisions, and you have illustrated this so well in your post. I really pray that although you can't see where God is taking you at all, that this season proves a time where you get to know Him in a new way, with increasing depth. I'm really sorry and kinda cross that you and Mike are having to face another potential nightmare, but I do know that your God is far bigger than we can ever comprehend, and will come through for you beyond your wildest dreams and expectations, because that is who He is, and you guys are exceptionally precious to Him.

Hang in there - hope it works out soon.


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