Sending out an S.O.S.


Originally the title of this post was going to be... 10 Things I Hate about Me... or My Battle with Condemnation... or Mothering: It's a Dangerous Job. Instead I realized that if I were someone reading this I would be thinking, "Wow, that's pretty funny." Funny in a ha-ha way and funny like when a cartoon gets hit on the head with a pan and the "audience" laughs. So I thought it should be A Day that will make you laugh... but by the end of this crazy post I realized it was more of an SOS thing.

It started with being awoken at 5:00 a.m. and being unable to go back to sleep due to some noise in the background. So I sat and worried and stressed for the next two hours. I was stressed about a Pampered Chef order that for someone reason didn't go through... or at least I can't find proof of having paid for it online. Sigh. Stressed about the day and about bills and about money and about where we're going to move to and if Mike would be able to get the job we want so badly. Also, have been really struggling with condemnation and beating myself up over everything as if I controlled and affected the whole world and blaming myself for things I should & shouldn't blame myself for.

At 7 a.m. it was up and att'em. Mike helping me pack the diaper back, feed the kids, change diapers and clothes. Pack it up and ship out. Get him to school early so he can make copies for his 2 hour presentation. I'm not kidding. He was giving a "seminar" today... a school assignment and had to speak and lead a discussion for 2 hours today. His copying didn't work right but thankfully his teacher was gracious and helped assist him in getting the copies he needed.

I am driving off thinking what can I do with the kids for an hour and a half before Libby has school? So we drive to Barnes and Noble. Well, back in VA the cafe is open at 8 and the store doesn't open until 9. well, here in PA it um, doesn't open at all until 9. So I was out of luck. Went to Panera and sat with the kids and read them books we keep in the car. Got to Libby's school and waited 12 minutes or so for the school to open.

I went to the bank to find out that oops. Those checks the manager said he was going to order 2 weeks ago... he didn't order. I get charged $20 and they order them this time. Oh yeah, it will take another 2 weeks. Depressing, seeing as we're going to need a new address in about 40 or 50 days.

Take Samuel to the park to meet up with a girl who's husband also attends Westminster. I had just met her this week-end at Barnes & Noble. Wait 20 minutes. She doesn't show. So depressed I drive to Westminster and wait for Mike. Pushing Samuel in a stroller around campus with people looking at me like I'm crazy. Catch up with Mike. I ask him to drive me & Samuel home and to pick up Libby and bring her back so that he can end up with the car for his afternoon class (and I won't need to pick him up later). Burst out into tears and cry on the way home. Mike picks up lunch for me and takes me home. Puts Samuel down for a nap. Puts on You've Got Mail (one of my favorite, ultimate happy movies).

Libby arrives home and gets in bed with me. She falls asleep. Samuel gets up. I proceed to get him some yogurt and strap him in his chair. Do dishes that are piling in the sink. Samuel is done: clean up the yogurt that is all in his hair, shirt, shorts, etc. Call up Jessica. Rant. Rave. Cry. Desperate. She listens. Samuel proceeds to take out all the toys I had put away.... and make a royal mess of the living room.

Well, I could tell Samuel needed a diaper change. I was just about to change him when I noticed... oh my goodness. His diaper had leaked all the way up his shorts, through his shirt. It was on the couch. On one of the kids chairs. On the carpet and all over my pants. Everywhere he had been... um, it had been too. Clean him up while still talking to Jess (yes, she is a saint). Libby's crying at the top of the stairs. Finally get her situated with a cup of milk and some chocolate poweder added to it (the kind that has some proteins & extra vitamins).

Run upstairs and throw dirty clothes in laundry pile. Get Samuel new clothes. Hear Sheila (one of Samuel's therapists)knocking at the door just as I realized Libby had spilled her milk all over her socks and Mike's chair. Answer the door. Clean up the chocolate milk. tell Sheila I'm having a rough day. Move Libby to my chair so that Mike's chair can dry. Proceed to step on a very, very sharp children's toy while moving Libby. Drop her on the chair and clutch foot, trying desperately not to cry and swear, and succeeded at both... not doing either I mean. So frustrated. A bruise appears on the bottom of my foot.

Thankfully I had sent an S-O-S to Mike earlier and he came home just after class. Praise God. My hero. So, I'm going to lie in bed and cry for a while. Maybe a long time.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now. Things feel too stressful and overwhelming. It's not all these simple "little" things but they're just adding to the stress I feel. Ready to throw in the towel. Don't even want to go to prayer group tonight because I'm afraid I'll end up feeling more depressed than ever. I can't handle being around people when I can't be honest and right now I just feel desperate.

So there is the tale of a woman who is 6 weeks pregnant; tired, sick, and maybe a little psychotic. I hope it made you laugh somewhere along the way. I know this too shall pass and that I'll be living somewhere, even if it's in a car (but I hope not) on December 1st. I know there have been worse days than this but it's been a long time since life has overwhelmed me to the point of wanting to just despair. Wanting to just give up and say forget it.

I guess... I'm sending out an S.O.S. to the world. I think I'm relating a lot to Sting & the Police's song: Message in a bottle.

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone in being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S...

Comments

Jessica Rockey said…
Hey friend! I got your message... the one in a bottle, yeah. I'm glad you know you can call me. I wish I had something wise or profound to say... I can listen... I'm a good listener! Life sucks sometimes. I know it's been a long time for you. Don't lose hope. This crazy 'season' is NOT going to last forever. Mike WILL finish school. Samuel WILL stop pooping in his pants (eventually), Libby WILL grow up knowing that she is a child of God and that her parents love her more than anything. I know this doesn't help what your day looks like tomorrow or the next day, but hopefully that will help your outlook on life. Can't wait to see you this weekend friend. Love you.
Ashleigh said…
Jennifer, what a rough day. I met a friend this morning at the store who was also having "one of those days" with her kids. Except I don't know that she has a relationship with the Lord, which means, where does she run? Anyway, I'm praying that the rest of the day will be much better and that tomorrow, when you start a brand new day, your spirit will be lifted and you'll have great peace and comfort even if there is more spilled milk.
Caren said…
I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I've had those before too. Luckily, today was not one of them :) Yay! I'm praying for you, that tomorrow will be good for you. That you will be content in the Lord and trust that He knows what He's doing with you and your family. He will take care of you. He has in the past. Remember those times that He's brought you through, and trust in Him.
Michelle said…
Whew. Well, I've no encouraging words for you. They all sound shallow in my head so I'm not going to risk writing them. But I do love you, your kids love you, your husband loves you, and many more people love you.

Do you know when your estimated move date is? Jeff and I were discussing the possibility of coming up to help with the move.
Sarah said…
Hey sweetness.

What is it with these little things that shouldn't be a big deal that they always come along in big old batches together and knock you for six when you know deep down you are so much bigger than that? A day like that added to pregnancy hormones I am quite sure would have floored pretty much anyone. All I can say is well done you for sharing, being vulnerable and seeking to move on, rather than doing the easier thing of crawling into bed and contemplating never getting up again, which is more often than not my number 1 option when tiny irritations start building up...

Incidentally I went to a women's day at a church near me on Saturday and the guest speaker talked about pearls (she used to be a jeweller), and how those oysters need the little bit of sand to irritate them into growing the coating that turns into the pearl. So, if it helps any, your attitude in knowing this is just a bad day with a whole lot of irritations that will pass suggests you are getting seriously shiny, and irridescent and beautiful and very very pearl like!

Love ya xx

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