When Faced With Another Day.

Dawn is creeping past me. The fog is over the pond. The sky is painted with pale pinks and other supposed calming colors.

I came home last night my head reeling. And although I was so exhausted I thought my brain was numb I had a hard time falling asleep. It was after midnight. I dreamt weird dreams and then one thought came into my head to disrupt my sleep: Samuel.

So it's all true. It's not just a bad dream. I had to walk past the floor on which he had been sleeping this past week. He wasn't there.

I feel sunk. Gasping for air that's not there. My stomach in so many knots it would take a professional sailor to undo them. I've been on the verge of throwing up since yesterday.

I've been wandering the rooms like a mental case wringing my hands and trying to avoid losing it completely.

Damn this sun. What is it trying to tell me? That it's a NEW day? That everything is going to be all right? And what if it's not all right? What if my world is slowly falling apart piece by piece? What I have is an insatiable urge to get in the car and drive nowhere and anywhere. But just to drive and pretend that all is well.

I don't feel like I ever want to eat again. I'm more numb than the man trapped outside his home in Alaska for a week.

I should be sleeping. I know I should. But there will be time for that later. Now, I'm just too awake. Too up. Processing.

My little five year old is up. She's asking where Samuel is. She doesn't know what's going on and we're not telling her anything til we know what's "really" going on. So for now she knows Samuel and Papa are at the hospital.

And although I sound like a miserable, pitiable fool I know that My God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I know He's always been faithful to me and that He will be again. I know that even though I feel shattered He will sustain me. He will sustain us all through this trial.

So I cling to Him.... and enjoy what I have in my possession and try to take deep breaths... and hold onto the One who is holding me.


Judy said…
I wish I had something to say that would be encouraging... Or I could say 'hang in there'... but geez... I'm just speechless. I'm thinking of you, just know that. Much love to you guys!
AmyB said…
I love you friend, I've been praying for him and you guys since I heard. Was up a lot last night too just praying for you guys. Can't wait to hopefully see you and squeeze you tomorrow. Hate that I can't be up there yet. Love love love to you. Wish that could make it better.

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