Cravings and Craziness.
Okay, so it was quiet... all too quiet. Somehow or another the children had managed to break through the impregnable force (this really difficult baby gate) and were upstairs playing in the bathroom as I was trying to prepare dinner. Libby had moved the gate and they had both escaped upstairs.
Other new tricks-You can imagine my shock the other day when I turned to see my son standing upright in the cart reaching for something on a shelf at Target. It was the first time he wasn't strapped in because this particular cart didn't have straps. I was getting something and looking at the label and then out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. Agghhh. It doesn't stop.
This morning Libby ended up in bed with us rather early. She turned to Mike and said, "You sly dog!" I laughed so hard when Mike recounted the story. Where did she get that one from? A Charlie Brown movie she loves to watch :)
Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Nor, do I think it's really for the sane people either. Between cleaning up spills, messes, changing diapers and all the various bodily fluids there are moments when I wonder, "Am I cut out for this?" There are moments of laughter and anger and frustration and joy and I think, what, that was 5 minutes? I have moments when the kids are finally making progress to only feel like we took 5 steps back the next day. There are times when I am begging God, please show me SOME progress... and then there is break through. Thank God for breakthrough.
At times I wonder if I've changed much. Have I become different at all? Am I just the same person I used to be? Sometimes I feel so desperate. I feel like I'm barely hanging on. Right now, for instance Samuel is banging himself on the head with a Mr. Potato Head and crying. Now he's standing up and grabbing for the computer and "singing" some made-up little tune. And boy, can he be demanding! Personality is just coming out all over the place.
Will there ever be quiet? Ever time to just sit and flip through a magazine. I found myself today scrubbing out my pantry of all the mice droppings... totally disgusting. Yet at the end of this duty I found myself strangely pleased. I did something I didn't want to do.
I'm not very good at having self-control. When I want something, I want it now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to save. I don't want to deny myself. This is an area I'm working on. Controling my tongue, my portions, and my buying. The other day I was in Target and saw the cutest crib bedding. I looked at the price $13. Yeah, that's perfect! Samuel had destroyed his and he really needs a bumper pad. His feet get stuck in the crib holes without it.
The next time I was in Target I went and checked it out. Ouch. It wasn't $13. The item above the bedding was. It was on sale from $89 to $79. Yikes. And yet my heart coveted. I wanted that. I want that bedding. I didn't buy it but was amazed that I could still want something that badly.
Yesterday at my women's Bible study we were enjoying a piece of pumpkin cheesecake roll... it was divine. I wanted a second piece so badly. It was crazy. I didn't have another piece... but if I was left to myself (instead of surrounded by other women) you can bet your bottom dollar I would have inhaled another piece.
What is with our desires and craving? Why do we want things so badly? Libby was upstairs hiding when I went to check it out I saw her without her shorts. She was attempting at putting on her princess outfit. Sigh. "Libby, not right now, honey. You can tomorrow after breakfast." Tears. "I want to NOW!" She's speaking my language. Isn't that me though? I want what I don't need and don't want to do what I need. I feel like Paul.
Romans 7:15-"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."
So, I'm working on it. Knowing that everyday God is going to challenge me and help me to grow. I'm not there yet. So hip-hip-hooray for self-denial, self-discipline, and self-control.