Cravings and Craziness.

Okay, so it was quiet... all too quiet. Somehow or another the children had managed to break through the impregnable force (this really difficult baby gate) and were upstairs playing in the bathroom as I was trying to prepare dinner. Libby had moved the gate and they had both escaped upstairs.

Other new tricks-You can imagine my shock the other day when I turned to see my son standing upright in the cart reaching for something on a shelf at Target. It was the first time he wasn't strapped in because this particular cart didn't have straps. I was getting something and looking at the label and then out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. Agghhh. It doesn't stop.

This morning Libby ended up in bed with us rather early. She turned to Mike and said, "You sly dog!" I laughed so hard when Mike recounted the story. Where did she get that one from? A Charlie Brown movie she loves to watch :)

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Nor, do I think it's really for the sane people either. Between cleaning up spills, messes, changing diapers and all the various bodily fluids there are moments when I wonder, "Am I cut out for this?" There are moments of laughter and anger and frustration and joy and I think, what, that was 5 minutes? I have moments when the kids are finally making progress to only feel like we took 5 steps back the next day. There are times when I am begging God, please show me SOME progress... and then there is break through. Thank God for breakthrough.

At times I wonder if I've changed much. Have I become different at all? Am I just the same person I used to be? Sometimes I feel so desperate. I feel like I'm barely hanging on. Right now, for instance Samuel is banging himself on the head with a Mr. Potato Head and crying. Now he's standing up and grabbing for the computer and "singing" some made-up little tune. And boy, can he be demanding! Personality is just coming out all over the place.

Will there ever be quiet? Ever time to just sit and flip through a magazine. I found myself today scrubbing out my pantry of all the mice droppings... totally disgusting. Yet at the end of this duty I found myself strangely pleased. I did something I didn't want to do.

I'm not very good at having self-control. When I want something, I want it now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to save. I don't want to deny myself. This is an area I'm working on. Controling my tongue, my portions, and my buying. The other day I was in Target and saw the cutest crib bedding. I looked at the price $13. Yeah, that's perfect! Samuel had destroyed his and he really needs a bumper pad. His feet get stuck in the crib holes without it.

The next time I was in Target I went and checked it out. Ouch. It wasn't $13. The item above the bedding was. It was on sale from $89 to $79. Yikes. And yet my heart coveted. I wanted that. I want that bedding. I didn't buy it but was amazed that I could still want something that badly.

Yesterday at my women's Bible study we were enjoying a piece of pumpkin cheesecake roll... it was divine. I wanted a second piece so badly. It was crazy. I didn't have another piece... but if I was left to myself (instead of surrounded by other women) you can bet your bottom dollar I would have inhaled another piece.

What is with our desires and craving? Why do we want things so badly? Libby was upstairs hiding when I went to check it out I saw her without her shorts. She was attempting at putting on her princess outfit. Sigh. "Libby, not right now, honey. You can tomorrow after breakfast." Tears. "I want to NOW!" She's speaking my language. Isn't that me though? I want what I don't need and don't want to do what I need. I feel like Paul.

Romans 7:15-"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."

So, I'm working on it. Knowing that everyday God is going to challenge me and help me to grow. I'm not there yet. So hip-hip-hooray for self-denial, self-discipline, and self-control.


Anonymous said…
how challenging life is....our hearts truly are idol factories, aren't they? Living in Rom.7 for the last 31yrs has been comforting and frustrating because the progress I think I Should see in others, i don't evidence in myself...therefore, I am the problem... and it's wonderful that He loves me even as Faf and & I loved/love Mike, John, and Lib and Samuel's age, and now; and as you both love Libby and Samuel, too. In retrospect, one of the things I regret most from the boys early years is my craving for 'personal time'...time when I could do what I wanted to do...that was a big mistake on my part, for I all too often satisfied that craving and I am much, much poorer for giving in to it.
Believe me...the years when they're not around will be filled with time to well as near-overwhelming 'craving's' to just see them, hold them, talk to them....tell them how desperately you love them and would love to see the days once again when you could just hold them in your arms and rock them (imagine me doing that with Mike, now!!...but I still remember and cherish those times when he was the kid's age) ...precious memories are what you'll have, that and the calling to continue to die to yourself, as you have even now, as you lay down your life for them, for others...for Him. Sorry so long, but your blogs have been especially touching and relevant....I am so proud of you, you all...
I love you,
Caren said…
Jen, your words are so true for me too. I am struggling with all those things too. I really like reading your blog, because you vent, you tell it how it really is, but then you bring the focus back on the right track...God! That is the one key thing that is helping me get through my days. Having my quiet time, spending time with Jesus is what helps. Thanks for reminding me of that. Know that as a mom of small children going through the same stuff, I am praying for you. You are a great Mom. Just keep going on, and doing it with God's help.
Jenn said…

I enjoyed reading your post and then I really enjoyed reading your father in laws response. Those are the words I so often need to hear is from those who have been there and can provide perspective.
I smile reading your posts. You capture your days so perfectly with your words. I feel as if I am sitting with you and having coffee/tea together.
Thankful for you! Jenn :)

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