The big "D"...

I made a commitment when I first started this blog that I would be real. that I would be honest. So at the risk of being very VULNERABLE I'm going to share what's going on.

I am struggling. some of you might say, "no kidding". On top of a UTI, I also have another infection... the kind that deals with baking bread... you know what I mean. I also have been feeling crappy. very crappy. very frustrated, tired, anxious, overwhelmed, and tearful.

I think I have been driving Mike crazy because I've been very withdrawn, distant, and closed. I feel like my head is in a fog and that I'm shutting down. We had a good talk tonight. I think I was actually able to explain my feelings not only to him but to myself. He was saying something to the affect of trying to understand me and wanting to know what the real issue was, the bottom line.

So I said it. I dropped the "D" bomb.

"I think I'm depressed."

There it was said. It has been spoken. As much as I love my husband and my children and my children on the way I think I am really depressed. I am very overwhelmed about moving, about trying to juggle 2 toddlers, by my pregnancy, about mentally trying to wrap my head around having 2 more children at the same time, about staying in this 2 bedroom apartment, about sharing a car, about being unable to clean or vacuum or do laundry or do anything really. I'm depressed about my sister's death and have been dwelling on the fact that it was her husband's birthday today... and being sad because I don't know him anymore. Sad that she's not alive to celebrate with him. Sad that Sam is not alive to hug or kiss or make cookies and valentines with Libby. My Libby who probably wouldn't have even been named Libby had my sister been alive.

I don't feel like the sky is falling. I feel like the walls are caving in and that my brain is in a funk I can't escape out of.

I think my head is going to explode from all the emotions and hormones and stress. I don't want to be in the hospital again. I don't want Samuel to be in the hospital. I don't want to have to take him to see a G.I. specialist (Gastro-Intestinal). I don't want to deal with it all.

It doesn't help that I can't exercise and that I can't get out much. It doesn't help to have tons of crazy hormones in my body.

So now comes the time where I know I'm supposed to say something good and positive. I know it's there somewhere. I can still say God is good and He is faithful. I can also say that He knows I'm hurting... and He's not afraid of it.

don't worry though. I'm not jumping out the window or doing anything crazy. Just expressing what's inside. Knowing that this too will pass. Knowing that nothing is too "big or small" for God.

I bought a friend whose husband has terminal cancer a book. It's really a wonderful book. It's called, "My Beautiful Broken Shell: Words of Hope to Refresh the Soul" by Carol Hamblet Adams. In the book a woman compares herself to a shell she has found on the beach. A shell she wants to discard because of its imperfections and its brokenness but she keeps it because she sees herself in it. here are some quotes from the book...

"But then I stop... go back... and pick up the broken shell. I realize that this shell is me with my broken heart.... This shell had to fight so hard to keep from being totally crushed by the pounding surf... just as I have had to. yet this shell is still out on the beautiful sandy shore... just as I am. Thank you Lord that I haven't been completely crushed by the heaviness in my heart... by the pounding of the surf."

" If our world were only filled with perfect shells, we would miss some of life's most important lessons along the way. We would never learn from adversity... from pain... from sorrow. Thank you Lord for all that I learn from my brokenness... for the courage it takes to live with my pain... and for the strength it takes to remain on the shore."

"Broken shells mean lots of tears... lots of pain... lots of struggle... but they are also valuable for teaching faith, courage, and strength. Broken shells inspire others and demonstrate the will to go on in a way that no perfect shell could ever do. Broken shells are shells that have been tested... and tried... and hurt... yet they don't quit. they continue to be. Thank you Lord, for the great strength it takes to simply be.. even when I hurt so deeply that there seems to be nothing left of me."

"As I look at my beautiful broken shell, I see that it has nothing to hide. It doesn't pretend to be perfect or whole... its brokenness is clear for everyone to see. Lord, may I be strong enough to show my pain and brokenness like this shell. May I give myself permission to hurt...to cry...to be human. May I have the courage to risk sharing my feelings with others so that I may receive support and encouragement along the way."

Anyway, it's a beautiful book that encourages and speaks to my heart and will hopefully speak to my friend when I see her tomorrow at Bible Study. It also has painted illustration of the ocean and beach- very soothing.


So I'm depressed, but I'm NOT despairing.

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. "